Time

Thought it was time for one of these again. Every so often I just need to spill my thoughts into some sort of something. Yeah, I am a poet. I know. Have a way with words; way the ladies as well. Chicka chicka yeah! (< wow, I'm an even terrible-er comedian.)

The numbness is still here. I don't think that goes away and in my own way I do not want it to. It keeps me from falling apart.

I'm making things better though. Bit by bit they are falling into place-- with every passing day. Death surrounds me and I need to escape it. The government has A stranglehold on my education. My mother has a stranglehold on my growth as an independent woman. I have a stranglehold on my own crumbling confidence-- but it is all going to turn around. The numbness allows me to repeat that 'mantra'.

Soon, very soon, I will be getting the hell out of here and escaping everyone that has claimed to be close to me when they weren't even acquaintances to begin with. Just 'cause I laugh and acquiesce to all their little parties and requests for entertainment doesn't mean that we share a bond of friendship.

It does not work that way. I am always there yet always find I am by myself when I need a shoulder to lean or cry on. Never have the time. Never bother, but when they need something they pop right back up into my life. Well, screw that. I don't need that in my life anymore. I've realized that's all the kind of people I'm surrounded with here. They can survive and have their 'awesome parties with awesome music, and awesome shooters' without me. They won't even notice the difference. Just find someone else to take my place.

I need a fresh start and that is exactly what I am going to do. Time is on my side. The more I work, the more money I will have. The more money I have the, quicker I will get my own place. The quicker I get my own place, the sooner I can be content and with someone I really effin' care about.

I don't ever think I'll be able to express how much I love this girl. Silly, really, how strongly you can feel for someone you haven't actually met, but I am not going to deny what I feel. It's kinda impossible now. First and foremost, I have found a true friend in her-- knowing if she were closer she'd be there all of the time. If I have to move to a whole different city to be closer to that person then so be it. I have nothing left here. Moving will not only get me closer to her, but will also grant me what I always wanted: to be on my own.

I will fulfill that wish by the end of the summer. I am gonna crawl out of my hole and make my father proud of his daughter. I'm gonna make him smile.

I'm going to make this girl smile-- at any cost. It's the least I can do after all that she has done for me.

I love you, Joanie. So fucking much.
x, Syn.