That funny feeling...

You know that funny feeling that you feel deep inside? The one that scares you. You don't know what it is. Not knowing what it is scares you more than the feeling itself.

Well, I'm sitting in the office in my sisters house watching a rerun of Friends. I was lying on the blow up bed, but I got up. The feeling was unbearable. The constant motion of my hand running through my hair hasn't soothed me one bit, when usually, it calms me down considerably.

My heart is running at a fast pace. Fast enough to want to tear it out of my chest, yet not close enough to suffer another panic attack. I'm not sure why it's beating so fast. This feeling inside of me leaves me feeling dead.

The more I think about it, the more I begin to realize that maybe the reason why my heart is beating so fast, might be because this feeling hasn't taken over my being in a year. I'm scared of this feeling taking over my life completely, for a second time. The last time I felt this was a little over a year ago. The last time it did, I was a mess. An emotional wreck. Unstable.

I know it can be one of two feelings. Both of which scare me completely. Both can ruin me. Strip me of my individuality. Leave me as a walking skeleton, leaving me to depend on the people around me. Both of which leave me wanting to sit on the space between my bed and dresser and cry. Since I am not home, all I can do is sit on this chair covered in cat hair, while watching a stupid rerun of a show that has long ended. I really do love this show, but all that it is doing at this moment is helping me spiral even lower. So low that I wish I was in an isolated cave overlooking the ocean. Watching as sharks feed upon the innocent fish swimming along as they try to live their life normally. Trying to survive.

Then, as I sit in that cave, I can write another journal comparing myself to that little fish trying to survive. The feeling in my tummy being the shark.

I will cry as I watch myself
being
eaten
alive
by
that
small emotion
that I simply can not fathom.