I just looked over them, I don't think I kept one of them, hahaha.
I'm kinda stressed at the moment. I haven't got any money to pay for my retakes... they wouldn't be retakes if I wasn't stupid and hadn't flunked them. I didn't even realise that we had to pay for them and I didn't want to take them in the first place. I got told that it was purely our choice if we wanted to take them or not and said no but I still got forced into them.
I have to revise like fucking shit this Easter holiday. >.<
This whole lack of money thing is really getting me down. My college are saying that I was absent on a Tuesday so I'm not getting my EMA. It's only £30 but it would have meant that I could go out with Martin tomorrow and buy some beer for Frankie and Emily's party. I've definitely decided Silk Spectre...I have a sewing machine and despite my lack of a grade in Textiles I can still use a sewing machine to good standard.
The Office is now an obsession. I've already watched my 72 minutes and have... 35 minutes out of 54 to go until I can continue watching my episode. Ryan wasn't as far as me so I decided to watch it all from the beginning 'cause I started in season four and not one... 'cause that's where he was and that's where I started watching... yeah anyway, I'm on season two now, nearing the end. (:
I didn't even realise it was April Fools... if I had, I probably wouldn't have played a joke or anything but I may have been in better spirits. =/ Me and Ryan have been arguing a lot lately and it's all my fault, I know it is but he does stuff too so I can't totally be to blame. Then again he does the stupid stuff 'cause I'm stupid.
I've just realised that I can type without looking at the keyboard, I'm pretty good.
Yeah, guys. They're douchebags. Like where do they get off? Ryan isn't the only one that's stressed. I'm fucking stressed. I have stupid deadlines, a ridiculously sore foot, a costume to make, exams to pay for and a job to get. And now he's hassling me about asking my parents if I can go to Reading else he'll sell my ticket. Why doesn't he ask them, they're in a really shitty mood with me at the moment.
We have my mum and dad's friends coming over with their kids soon, well Saturday and we have to get the house like spotless. Gah, Ryan hates the oldest boy Steven. Me and Steven used to be best friends when we were younger, we met up again for the first time in ten years and he liked me for a bit and Ryan found out, so Ryan doesn't like him. I was kinda flattered at first I thought he was jealous then he told me he wasn't it was just a matter of respect. Thanks. A matter of respect. Just once I wish he could be jealous of a guy eyeing me up or asking for my number.
It sounds stupid but just once I would like him to think that he hasn't fully got me and that I could stray, I don't want him to think that I'm hugely dependant on him. Not that I can tell him this. I don't know. Maybe I'm just something that he feels he can always fall back on, that's always going to be there. Gah, well I want to make sure that he knows that I am capable of straying.
I don't mean cheat on him or anything, it's just he's such a.. gah, why does he feel like he has total control over me. You know, I don't think he would even care if we broke up. I've mentioned it when I was really angry and he was just like, fine. Is he really worth the aggro? I have to ask myself.
I have 25 minutes. I may watch a few episodes and then I'll go to bed. Ryan said that he would call but he's obviously not...
I really... gah. Sometimes he makes me feel like shit, sometimes he makes me feel amazing. I love waking up next to him and looking terrible but he tells me I look great, I love that. Or he'll talk about all the things he wants us to do together, it makes me have a strand of hope that I'm going somewhere with my life that it's not all just an elaborate dream that I've thought up. It makes me feel really special, like I'm the only thing that matters to him.
Then again, he's charming. That's what he does, he charms me. Charms me into everything. Another thing, his drinking. He has to realise, he's 20 and he's drinking far too much. His liver is going to fail before he's 30 I know it, it's absolutely pathetic the amount he drinks. I'm not sour about not legally being able to go out and drink myself, yes it would be nice to go to a pub with him and order something stronger than a coke and yes I would like to go on a pub crawl with him or something, but I can wait and it's not particularly appealing to me. I just wish that he would pay as much attention to me, and spend as much money on me as he does to and on the pub.
We had a really big argument and he told me that he only wanted to see me three times a week and then he breaks it by coming over all the time...I ask him why he broke him, hoping he would say something nice, at least that's what I'm hinting at, all I get is a bunch of shit about him not being able to do his own thing. And that if I had a problem with it then he'd only see me for three days a week, that's not what I wanted. I just sometimes don't know if I'm coming or going with him.
I know he doesn't want me to come to Reading '10. He wants to do his own thing. Now though, the way things are I'm not sure if I want to go.
This is too long. No one will read it, it's just... brain vomit. Sorry my fingers are tapping at the same speed of my thoughts, even in this early hour. :S
I have 16 minutes until I can finish watching my episode. Damn Megavideo, then again can't knock it, it's doing me a favour.
Tsk...
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