Dear, _______ and others

I'm not sure how long this is going to end up lasting now. Its been two days in counting now. This heavy feeling of my body and this will to snap at everything that dares look at me the wrong way.

You said that you'd do something once you got done with supper, I'm sorry that I fell asleep. Its okay that you're watching a movie, we can do that thing together after... oh? You watched another movie right after that one on TV without telling me? Hmm... too late now to do what we wanted to, the tasks in depth time is pointless...

You're doing all the things that we used to do together with someone else... I know that I'm not there anymore to do those things there with you, but it would be nice if you stopped slipping from me, and from her, two people who cared greatly about you. I'm tired of feeling hurt because of the things that you've done to me. Its like I'm a stranger to you now.

Now you, the person who has cared for me for 12 years of my life. Lied to me, made me your go-to girl, made me the person to drop everything on to make your life easier. Sorry, but I hate you all over again. When I had told you that I was in love with my girlfriend, you said you already knew, you said I can do whatever I want so long as I'm happy, and I am with her, so very very happy with her.

On the phone, months after. I can't believe you dared to ask "Do you still like girls?" and to my reply "Yes." you say "Oh, just for now." No... not just for now, forever. I love her, just because she's a woman doesn't make me love her. I lover her because of who she is. As a person, as a whole. I had forgiven you for that, but last night, your next phone conversation after asking me how my weekend was, yes. I had a friend over. She is my friend. How dare you ask if she was my girlfriend! You knew that I am with that other woman, who I love with all my heart and soul. You pathetic excuse of a mother... You need to grasp onto that fact, I'm not some lesbian whore who's going to fornicate with all of my female friends because I "swing that way"... Even my step-mother. Someone who's only known me for two years knows and understands me more than you do.

Now you, shut the hell up. Slow down. Focus. I'm tired of listening to you interrupting other students from their work to have completely irrelevant conversations. Those students don't need your guidance. Show me! I need to understand this, and you do nothing but sit at your fancy computer and talk and talk and talk. You say that I should know what you're talking about, you've only shown how to make these components in this program /once/ and that isn't going to help me especially when you're moving too fast for me to understand.

Now you... you make my cry too much, more than I should. Perhaps its just the fact that you're the teacher of one of my most hated subjects, Math. I try to learn, and I try to understand. I try so hard that headaches come along and my brain ends up shutting down. Don't yell at me when I go off to writing, reading or drawing. My brain needs a break, and its really hard for me to tell this to you, because I feel so different from all of the other students that you'd see me as annoying because I can't "get it" as fast as everyone else can.

I've tried looking for a tutor. I even did what you said and posted something up online. No one has called, not that it would really matter anyway. I'd end up making my parents broke with the time the tutor would have to spend with me. Besides, who'd want to waste half of the money they made just getting to me to tutor?

You're nice, I know that. You gave me some paper towels when I spilt my water and I hadn't even asked. I know that its hard to ask but I need your help... I desperately need it. You're just never there when I have the time and I can' t be in early enough in the mornings. I'm scared that if I end up doing as poorly as I did last year I won't be able to get into the schools that I want to, and I won't be able to become a Psychiatrist like how I want to. You're the only thing that I really have to help me move these building blocks to my goal and fix the foundation that I have. You know that I struggle in it, I feel you watching me while I stare at my work yet you just sit there.

I don't know what I'm more scared of, you telling me to figure it out myself, you trying to tell me how to figure it out and you getting frustrated with my slow mind, or me just failing all together in general and not being able to go to where I want to....

And you... I miss you so much. I wish that you'd come home and never have to go to Afghanistan again. I get too scared when you're down there, and every time I hear about a convoy being blown up or a soldier being wounded I pray to the Goddess that you're okay.

I know that you're having fun out there in the blistering sun and sand but I need you too, Daddy. If you were to die, it wouldn't feel any different... you just wouldn't be coming home, or I would just pretend that you got deployed and are being kept another month and another month and another month. I know that you're mad that I'm not taking my medication anymore but I don't really need to.. And I'm sorry that it pissed you off that you paid $72 for it only to have me use half the bottle of Prozac. I'm not crazy, and I can control the anxiety and the hallucinations don't bother me, they're actually kinda cool...

I want you home so I can cuddle with you, and when you're home don't ridicule me... please. You know that I'm very sensitive and love you... and when you speak negatively to me it hurts... a lot. I know that we're going to have to have a talk about everything when you get home, we're going to need that. Even though its going to be hard for me to talk through choked up words because I'd be crying too much... I hope that you don't laugh at me for it. And actually listen.

... and now I'm hungry... and craving some Quizno's sub... Spent most of the class writing this up to make my feel better, and so far it has lifted some of the heaviness from my chest and the apathetic emotions I'm feeling again... and I'll leave it at that.

Sincerely, Cho-ke