I'm not ready to forgive you.

I found those letters I wrote when I missed you. This time, I didn't rip them apart and throw them away as I have been doing to almost anything related to you. Out of sight, out of mind. I read them over. It's funny reading those words. I can't describe the feeling. I wish I had the right words. Little things started coming to me. Little things come to me now and then, and though they are little, they are vivid memories. I know they will fade with time, but not enough time has passed yet. I just saw a photo of "forever" carved in a tree and it reminded me of when I told you to carve our initials on the tree at the park near your place. We never did something like that, but I still remember that conversation. I still remember the way you responded. I get a flood of feelings when I hear a couple say something that reminds me of something that you said to me. Does that fade with time too? That rush of feeling. I really hope it does. Or at least that new love comes in and that it doesn't bother you so much anymore. Even that word "forever" reminds me of you because we always used to say "always and forever". Sometimes I think, there is a reason behind this. A reason to teach me not to use words like 'always' and 'forever' lightly. A reason to figure out everything that has the possibility to hurt you. Do you think about me? A part of me is certain that you do, that chocolate and cake will remind you of me, that yellow highlighters and the need to balance things will make you think of me. I know that you will think of me when you do puzzles or hear about You've Got Mail. But do you think about me in this way? The way that breaks your heart a little and makes you feel like your heart is physically stopping for a second so you focus more getting your heart to beat instead of tearing up. Or is just me.