I Don't Even Know...

Boring title? I know. But it's how I feel right now. I'm making this journal to just kind of talk about what's going on in my mind at the moment...I just need to vent, I don't care if anyone comments or even reads this. I just need to vent.
Yesterday one of my classmates was killed in a farming accident. I found out via facebook, and at first I didn't believe it. That couldn't happen. Not to this kid. He was so young, he couldn't be dead. I kept thinking it was just a sick, disgusting joke. But then everyone soon had R.I.P. as their statuses, and I realized...this wasn't a joke. He was really dead. It was like a sudden slap across the face.
The boy and I talked every now and then, but we didn't hang out. All the same it wasn't like we hated one another. Just because I hadn't been one of his best friends doesn't mean I don't feel bad. It doesn't mean I didn't cry. He had been in several of my classes, and I remember him for being the class clown: the funny kid. He could always make people smile and laugh no matter what. He was a good kid. And then...that was it. He was gone, just like that.
It got me thinking. I'm only in my teenage years, and look at my grandparents for example and how old they are...I have so much left to go. But it could all end so fast, so randomly...so unfairly. He didn't deserve to die. But at the same time, and I don't mean for this to sound like a bitchy thing, death happens. Every day. I think it was the fact that this death was so random and he was so young that it shakes people up so bad. He was only a small town farm kid, like the rest of us. He was going places, he had dreams and best friends and family...and now he's gone.
I don't even know what to feel right now. I'm kind of in the stage where you can't really make yourself feel anything. I can't be happy, sad...anything. I almost feel like I'm outside of my own body.
I cried last night when I found out, and when I was waiting for the bus this morning I figured I'd be strong today and I wouldn't cry. The minute I walked into my high school, the mood had already been set, and it hit like a ton of bricks. The entire school was quiet, people huddled in groups, whispering and crying. Kleenexes were being handed out, as were long, comforting hugs. I knew today was going to be a very long, weird, depressing day. In my first class, Art, the girl that sat beside me had been close to the deceased. When the teacher stood up at the front of the eerily quiet classroom and read off the piece of paper in a very quiet voice, "We regret to inform you that on April 14, 2010, -------- was killed in a farming accident...", the girl immediately began to sob. I felt bad...tears were choking me but I held them back. I didn't know if I should hug her or not...we're kind of from different 'sides of the tracks', if that makes sense. I just did the best I could and offered a comforting smile, saying silently "it'll be okay."
My second class. I had been in this class with the deceased. The teacher was a total douchebag, but even he didn't say a word as he quietly wrote down the attendance. "You can all go and walk around the school if you feel the need," he told us after. Before everyone could leave, we all signed an "In Loving Memory" card.Then the tears came. I couldn't really hold them back, the mood was pressing down on me hardcore, and memories of the deceased were all I could think about. People hugged me and my friends...the hugs were nice, of course, but as usual it only makes you cry harder.
The rest of the day was spent in silence. What was there to say? I wasn't close to him, but it was still saddening. And the mood in the school had taken it's toll on me. Even the teachers were trying to hold themselves together as best as they could, for our sake. It was like sitting in a jail cell.
I guess I just still can't believe it. Or maybe I don't want to believe it. I don't know. I'm not sure of much right now. I can't believe what the family must be going through right now, but my thoughts are with them in this difficult time.
I guess the moral of this story is don't take life for granted.
xoxo.