Sitting, Waiting, Wishing<3

Have you ever found yourself alone, crying pathetically, because of how much you care about a person? You literally feel like the biggest idiot on the planet because you’ve spent so much time caring about them. That feeling in your stomach is no longer butterflies; it’s like stones; just sitting there, weighing you down further and further, for every inch you fall. Yup, you’re an idiot. You’re the one sitting here ready to do anything for that person, while they’re out giving their all to someone who could be gone in a split second, which, chances are, they will be. And you hate the person that has caused them all of this pain. With all of your heart. And go figure, you’re left here because you put yourself out there to begin with. And now you’re the bad guy because you didn’t shut up about how mad you were when they got hurt. The tables always turn. And in this case, you’re in a lose-lose situation.

So you continue to be the supportive friend that you can’t stand not to be, because you’d rather die than hold any other spot as their friend. And slowly, you see more and more people walk out of their life, because they are disgusted with how a person can take someone back who’s hurt them so much. So you stand by, and you need them to know, that no matter how many times you freak out on that person for hurting them, that it’s only because you care. You need them to know, that the whole world could walk out on them, and here you would stand. You would do literally anything to see that person truly happy. And a huge part of you feels as though, and knows, you can make them a million times happier than the person who hurt them can. But all you can do is stand by and wait to see what happens next. You can throw in words of love and encouragement, and you can hug them when they’re down, but none of it is really in your control. And that on its own will kill you.

So basically you’re still a complete idiot because you don’t know when which words are right. You can be the most supportive friend, and still not have the right words for the pain that that person is feeling. You feel like you’re a bad friend because one minute you’re trash talking the person who hurt them, and then the next you’re just like, “ohh..well if they make you happy…” And you feel like you’re in the wrong because you’re always trying to say what they want to hear, but need to hear at the same time. You can’t always be nice AND right, and that’s just life. Some people like to hear it the way it is, but others just need that comforting friend. But he’s different. (yes, I know I just changed from “them” to “him”) But he needs both. When he’s happy, you feel the need to keep him happy. You just have to be supportive, even if you don’t agree. And when he’s sad, you feel the need to make him happy, but to teach him a lesson, and hope that he somehow learns from it.

The fact is that you can never tell them every word that they want to hear. So here you are, sitting at a computer desk at 6am, without sleep, writing a couple of pages about it, because you’re too scared to say it directly to their face, in fear of what their reaction will be. And to everyone else, notes like this sound like you’re expressing some sort of hidden love for them; which isn’t even the case here. You’re simply writing down a million words that don’t fit in the limit of a 160 character text message or a wall post on their facebook page. The thing is, no one cares how you think or feel these days. We’re all completely self-centered, for the most part. So what do you do when you’re sitting here talking to the person that you’re writing about and they ask, “whatcha doin’?” You then feel totally ridiculous when you say, “nothing”, when you’re actually spilling out how much you care about them onto a word document.

Oh, and should I mention that you’ve now created a group of friends; like his very own army of people who would kill anyone who hurt him. People you never talk to, who are now your best friends for the one thing you have in common, and that’s him. So you all gang up on this person for treating him badly. And you get so into the situation that you forget who you are, and you’re now becoming that hurtful person that you were bashing on to begin with. And then you’re this humongous group of people who are now hurting the person who you tried to protect in the first place. So one minute, you’re his favorite group of people in the world because of how hard and quick you back him up. And then the next minute, you seriously just need to just back off because it’s no longer support, but mere hatred.

And now that you’ve sat for 3 consecutive hours to only write two pages, you’ve accomplished nothing. No words are coming out right, because you’re changing what you actually WANT to say into something acceptable. And what you want to say isn’t even like insulting or horrible, just unacceptable. But still, you’re not in control. The decisions that other people make are never in your hands. And it’s not that you want to be in control, it’s just that you want them to realize how much they are worth. You want them to know that they can do so much better for themselves. That they are someone worth fighting for, and that no one can stand in your way of what may come out of your mouth when they get hurt.

So yes, here you are, a sore loser. Because you only wanted to help, and now you’re adding to the pain. So you back off, but never completely. You tone down a lot, but you will never leave them or cheat them in this friendship. That person holds a very huge part of you that even they don’t understand. And maybe they never will. If they do someday, then great. But until then, you get to sit here and watch the show, that you don’t want to be watching. It’s one of those programs where you’re like, “that’s horrible. I don’t want to watch that!” But here you are. Standing still, by their side. No matter what. Sitting, waiting, wishing.