Spring cleaning.

I am getting rid of all the messages I still had from you. I never really saw them. I knew I had them but I never looked at them and that was enough to put me off from deleting it. But I saw it today and I decided to get rid of it. The lack of physical reminders can do wonders on moving on and your memory of that particular thing. I read through one of our messages. I can think about it and I can think about what's missing from my life, or I can move on from it as something I had and I lost, or I can think about it as a space in my life for me to fill with new closeness and beauty. It's fine. It didn't hurt as much as I expected it to - reading it. At least it didn't hurt as much as reading the letter I wrote to you when you were away. Maybe it was the contents of the message, but still. It's wearing off, you are wearing off. It will get healed as long as long as I keep taking care of it and I will take care of it. I am beginning to feel a small bits of dislike for you as well. Before, I used to just want to dislike you because you were shit in so many respects but I could never really get myself to not like you. I could get myself to feel incredibly hurt by you but I am starting to dislike you. I'm starting to dislike how you did me wrong for no reason at all. I am starting to realise that I made excuses for you, but in reality, you were really just shit. You were really awesome to me and all and you were an excellent friend but you were hard to deal with. You always had an issue, you always had an excuse for your behaviour too and though I used to fight you and tell you that you can't treat me like that, I know that I didn't stand up for myself as strongly as I should have. Instead of fighting with you, I should have told you to suck it and left. You weren't really worth the fights after your inconsideration. I don't think you valued my presence and contribution in my life but now that I think about it, you probably value it now and miss it now, because face it - not everyone is stupid and they won't put up with you. People will love you when you're being awesome as they do, but you'll miss me when you realise that people generally don't stay awake all night making sure that you are okay. And if they do, they expect something in return when they are feeling down themselves. So you know what, it's good that you left and I am now beginning to see the blessing in disguise. I am glad that I can see where I went wrong and how stupid I was. I am glad that I can identify this mistake and now move on. I feel so good having written this down and having it out of my system. If our paths every cross path again, I don't think I'll even want to repeat this to you because after all this, you don't deserve a single word from me.