For Firsts, Girls and for the worst

um hi, this is my first journal and i dont know how to write these things for starters. if u no me then u no i dont give a shit about punctuality so if you cant read this then dont read it. second, i am going through quite some sh*t at the moment, three words describe this, parents, girls and school. two of the three previous word i hate, and wish i could get a away from it. the third is something i love so much i would spend the rest of my days with, and one particular one too. i really like, no let me refrase that i love her, i no this beacuase every time i see her i get the feeling inside that makes me happy, and i love this feeling, when i talk to her i understand her and wish i could talk for years.

i have asked her out many times and she has said no. the first time she said no i cried for a week, when someone asked me if i was i would say no, do i look f*cking okay. i tried to talk to her but she never wanted to. i tried and tried and then i knew why i truly loved her, it hurt when iwas away from her, after a very short amount of time it occured to me that i felt i could not survive. i spent the next two weeks sitting on my bed thinking of her and her only, and nothing else. i couldnt undrestand why she said no, i tried desperatley to talk to her using every type of communiication possible, i used everthing, mibba, utube, msn, facebook i tried it all, and i found a way. i thought of a way that was creepy but was a way. i made up a person, this was kind of sad, but it worked. i made up someone called dylan , ireffered to him as a wingman sort of. she wouldnt talk to me but dylan was a good looking version of me. i started making conversation using dylan, and dylan told her everthing i told her. and surprisingly she talked to him, i wish i could just say that it was me. she told things to him which she didnt tell me. this also upset me. and when i talked to her se spoke to me as she normally would. finally whent we got back to school she talked to me. What i didnt kneo was quite disturbing. and very innopropriate. what i didnt know was her mum had died of cancer, nad then i realised what she meant. i couldnt have possibly done it at a worse time. and then istarted to blame myself, for about a month i went suicide, wishing i could go, then realising i shoult. hthis went on and on. then i went into a phase of just wanting to talk to her only. talking to very little people at school expet her.

at this point every time i saw her wish i could say i love, and she say it back. then she told me her feelings wouldt change any time soon., so i died inside. i realised she didnt want to be with me, its true that you love the people who hate you and hate the people who love you. although i know she is the first ever person i had truly loved. i couldnt survive. i am now in the phase of wanting to know everthing about her. and then she started saying i stalk her. i cannot wish that i told her i do not stalk her. i love her and truly gope she loves me back now im at the point were wenever i think of her i cry, i spend every living moment trying to impress her. i regret telling her lies that would make her like me and end up falling back on myself like a f*cking prat. because i can still rember the day i fisrt saw her and just thought wow, and even then i knew nothing about her started ith the only thing i knew about her, she had a mcr bag so i started on that, as that was all i knew

beth, if your read this i am so sorry and just wish u could feel the same