What I Really Want From Him

You know, more than anything, I think what I really want from him is just an apology. I just want him to say "I'm sorry." That's all. Well, I guess it's more than that, because he did say he was sorry once. I guess what I really want is for him to say he's sorry, and actually mean it, instead of having some hidden agenda. I think, as little as he deserves my forgiveness, I could forgive him under those circumstances. I want to forgive him, I do. But god it's so hard. The things he did, the way he treated me, the way he used me without thinking about how it would effect me at all... I don't know if I can just forgive him on my own. I mean, it's been a long time, granted the memories burn fresh, but it has been a long time, and I still find myself waking sometimes, crying because I dreamed about it again.

And because of him, I can't trust guys anymore. The second their feelings move anywhere past friendship, I'm running away. I'm actually afraid of men as anything more than friends, and even as friends, I can't trust them alone. I need to be with someone else. Another girl. And it sucks, because I can't get him out of my head. I haven't seen him in a year, and yet he has such a tight grip over every damn thing I do. And then we might end up in the same college next year... I nearly puked when I heard that, though I'm grateful for the warning.

Ah, because I'm sure there will be people wondering, no, he's not an ex, and he's not some guy I did like, who led me on or something like that. He's my tormentor, my destroyer, my brother. Or, more specifically, my step-brother. But I always thought of him as my brother. I guess he never saw me as a sister.

If I have to see him again next year... If I have to talk to him... I'm not sure how I'll handle it. Ah~ I don't know. It's all so complicated. God, I want to kick him, slap him, punch him, kill him, scream at him, cry. Hurt him somehow, make him feel the pain, the raw emotional betrayal that he's made me feel. But, but I can't do that to my dad. As much conviction he has that he'll back us, and that he'll always choose us over his son if things come to that, I don't want to make him go through all this again. It was hard enough on us all the first time. I don't know. I'll probably end up pushing my own needs and wants aside again to accommodate everyone else. It's what I always do. We'll see. Maybe he'll be a coward and avoid the college I'm going to now that he knows that I'm going there too. And I am going there. I won't let him chase me away from my future. I'll do at least that much for myself.