Mezmer

It's starting again. I've been listening to Pinkly Smooth on repeat. His voice soothes me. The nightmares are back. The exhaustion resulting from the insomnia is eating away at me. The constant counting down until I'm out of here is wearing me out. He gives me hope. Provides me with my own inner sanctuary. I know I've been replaced here. Replaced by other better people. I was just a filler, but I knew it all along. It doesn't bother me as much as I thought it would.

I never fit in correctly. I was always too big for this place. I was always too, loud, obnoxious, or just plain awkward and straightforward. The people that saw me everyday never really 'saw' me. Too busy with their own lives; seeing how they could fit the 'scene'. Clones. Nothing like him. He was an inspiration to millions. He was and always be an inspiration to me. Never did I think one person could affect the way I live my life so much. He is my light at the end of the tunnel. The light never dims no matter how never-ending the tunnel may seem. I've come so close to giving up, but he keeps me going. Taught me to seize the day and be whoever you really are. There's no reason to fit the mold. I won't fester and turn into a person I am not to please others. I will do what I want in the world.

I want to leave an impact on the world like he did even if it never measures up. The point is I never gave up. I never admitted defeat no matter how close I've come to it at times. I can't. I know the only reason I feel like this is because this place is not for me. I belong in a concrete jungle. I want to breathe in the city air. I want to be surrounded by like-minded people. I want to not be afraid of people's reactions when it comes to the way I act. I don't want to hinder myself. I want to be in a place where I can grow as a person. I want to break that 'mold' to a billion tiny pieces and never be reminded of it again.

I want to leave an impact on people who really do 'see' me without having to change a single thing about myself. I know I will be able to. No matter how bad the nightmares get, they are just that-- only nightmares. Figments of my imagination. This is no time to break down. This is no time to grow weak. I have to life my life. I lived, I loved, I conquered. I want to be able to fully believe that about myself and will do everything I can to make that happen. I want to be a beautiful person in life; just like he was. In every single way. You keep me going, Jimmy. No words can express my gratitude.