This is my journal, I guess. I'm 15 years old, and this is going to be about my battle with an eating disorder. My therapist says it is going to help me "see the light". Yeah, what the fuck ever. I have been bulimic for 3 years. My mom, found out when I was uberly drunk, and we were talking about deep stuff. I regretted telling her the moment those words left my lips. She cried, those horrible sobs that make you feel like the world's ending. She had enough to worry about, I just had to put more weight on her shoulders. I'd like to get things straight with whom ever reads this, the reason I became bulimic is simple; I wanted to lose weight, in 6th grade, I weighed 130 lbs. I was 12, my sister whom I am close with now, used to call me fat, and make fun of me daily, because she was skinnier then me. I don't know what I did, but I lost 10 lbs, that year. It felt wonderful, honestly. I needed it more, that sense of accomplishment. I lived for it, & I still do. This year, 2010 was the year it all came up, my secret that I hid so well. They say that they knew, because my cheeks were slowly but surely sinking in, and I would go to the bathroom after eating. My mother, and with the help of my sisters, made me stop. It gets VERY frustrating when you have people in the bathroom with you, every time you go. Even in the shower. :/ They pulled me through, and I'm so glad for that.
But, there's another secret of mine. At the beginning of my freshman year, (2009-2010) I weighed 120 pounds, now on May 1st, I weigh exactly 109.6 lbs. I'm only 5 foot 2 inches, which is pushing it, so I'm probably around 5 foot 1? I should be smaller in pounds, my goal, ever since I started this, was to be exactly 100 lbs. 95 seems like it'd get me noticed, and in trouble again, & 105 is too fat for me. So, my family quit going into bathrooms with me, in like Feb. Which, I was happy for. Then, I found my own mother's diet pills. She's 42 & weighs 135! && she wonders why I'm so self-conscience about my body, and she looks wonderful, and she's off trying to make herself thinner. But, anyways; I found them, hidden behind the bathroom toilet. There was alot left, I read the label; take 1 pill, 3 times a day. And, that's when it started again.
I don't really consider this an eating disorder, or whatever, because I'm not throwing up anymore. But, I won't lie, I do make myself not eat. Well, sometimes. Unless I'm like starving, and you can hear my stomach growl, if that happens I'll eat. So, I'm taking diet pills, that actually do work! (: && there's a dietary supplement, it's liquid and you put it into water bottles, and it tastes like Strawberry Kiwi. It's not that bad, actually.
My bestfriend, is quite like me. But, then again she's different. We are the same height, and weight. She hates herself, too. But, I don't see why, she's soooo pretty! But, we agree that we see ourselves differently then other people see us. "beauty is in the eye of the beholder" (: When she downs on herself, it makes me think of how disgusting I am, and vice versa. We've tried to support eachother, like compliment eachother daily. But, that never works. It only gets worse, because we do things secretly. I trust her with everything, because I know, that she understand what I'm saying.
Sorry, if you think this is dumb. :/
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I am not using names, or anything in this. For purposes that are obvious.
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