I forgot how to love.

Letting go occurs on a daily basis. It is of high frequency. I am under the impression that letting go is a routine thing with many occurrences that go by unnoticed. I have been thinking about letting go. I wish I could let it all just go, I wish I didn't have to clear my mind so often and express all of it through the medium of writing. Don't get me wrong, I've really fallen in love with these musings, these words, these thoughts and these ideas. I love the idea of being able to honestly put together a words that convey the raw emotions of my mind. I'm just worn out in terms of where most of these notions stem from. So letting go would be nice. It would be nice to let my mind start fresh and especially my heart start fresh. Does letting go happen when indifference sets in completely and utterly? The time when you are just done caring. It seems like that's when we let go. I believe that's true to some extent because we let go of little things all the time and don't even notice it, solely due to the reason that we are indifferent to it. So when do you stop caring? We convince ourselves from day one of the process that we don't care about it anymore, that we are past it, that we know we deserve more, and so forth. I am not going to object entirely because I do believe that with that initial step towards change, we allow ourselves to let go a large amount. It's almost like literal letting go versus mental letting go. Indifference takes time. It takes time for the heart and the mind to forget. People always tell you to remember the good times and celebrate them and that is what I've always looked forward to doing - moving forward with the good memories instilled in my heart. However, this time I don't think I want to carry these memories with me, I don't think I want my heart to remember the good times simply for the reason that it inhibits my ability to let go. Simply for the reason that it means too much to my heart, and it makes me heart long for what used to be the fragmented reality. Though I would never admit to my mind that my heart longs for that past with fragmented reality, I know that in all honestly it does. I know that my heart misses the warmth, the constant smile until my cheeks hurt, conversations before sleep. I know that they mean an awful lot to my heart. And for that reason, my heart needs to forget, to be new again. And that will only happen when I can entirely let go. I'm tired of thoughts of you. I'm tired of thinking whether you think about me or whether you are completely done and over with what this used to be. It's still painful to contemplate the latter and thus I know, I have not let go. I still care. I tell myself it's in fractions but I think the truth is that I care in large proportions. I just want to stop caring about you.