I'm Not Sure What's Wrong With Me.

Sometimes it feels like I'm torturing myself.

I've been really stressed out these past couple of weeks. It just feels like there's all of these things piling up against me and it never lets up. It's the end of the school year and I've got about six or seven lengthy projects to work on, plus a couple of different clubs to balance, plus I'm still trying to squeeze in all of my creative writing and sketching before any talent I ever possibly could've had just dried up.

And it's not just school; not to sound cliche, but I've been in a sort of roller coaster depression phase that only really affects me about a couple of times a year. I mean, I usually have depression phases at a weekly basis, but this is one of those times where I just cry like ten times a week, which is a lot, considering I hardly ever cry at all, and I feel even worse than worthless. I had something like a nervous breakdown last week because my brother's really unbearable- and not in any sibling rivalry type thing; he really crushes my self-esteem- and when I finally told my mom about everything, she snapped at me since I was crying again and she told me to stop being selfish. That's what hurt the most; I try really hard to be the most selfless person possible, but when she said that I really felt like... I dunno, like a brat. And she kept snapping at me until I finally broke down in tears trying to explain myself. I hate it when she does that; she always flips it over so it makes her look like the victim, and I always feel so guilty that I hate myself.

It's during these phases that there's only two people that can ever make me feel genuinely better. One of them is my older sister, but she's all the way down in South Africa, at college, so we hardly ever talk anymore. And anyway, any conversation I could have with her about all of this wouldn't suffice because it wouldn't be enough.

The second person...is like my best friend. He's the only person other than my sister that I can be totally honest with. But, the problem is that we never talk anymore, and it hurts my feelings because it's like he's forgotten how much I care about him, or he never noticed, and he ditched me for some other friends or something. And then I wonder if it's just not me overreacting about everything, and then I feel even worse because nothing I feel would be legit. But I'm not sure.

So, basically, I've been pretty much feeling like there's no one that really cares about me anymore, but then I backtrack against myself and think I'm being an overreacting emo bitch that takes things too seriously, and it's an endless circle while meanwhile I'm still crying nearly everyday, and I still have this huge responsibility to my life and to school.

Sometimes I wish I could just pause life for a second and just breathe. Actually, I wish that all of the time now.