I Hate My Life

Oh, come on!

So I might have told a lie to a guy. It's not like we were even a couple. I'm in Maryland and he's in Jersey. But to make it even worse we met on a chat line. Yea, I admit we talked alot on the phone and our conversations did get pretty private and for lack of a better word....erotic, I didnt think through my actions.

And as many people have said before, I didn't realize what I had until I lost it.

I lost him.

He wanted me to be his girl and I really wanted to be, actually I still do. But I know it would never work out and when I told him this. He said that he deserved to know the truth and if I still wanted him to, he would never bother me again. That's not what I wanted -but what I needed- to happen. I couldnt go on forever telling this lie. Someday he would want to meet and the truth would be clear for him to see.

No, I couldn't let this go on any longer. He deserves so much better than me.

The guilt was eaten me alive so I decided I would tell him. Thing is, as soon as I was about to tell him Sunny(my cell phone) died. This had happened a couple of times before because my connection was bad, but when your in a heated argument and your telling someone that your gonna hang up on him and then the line goes dead...chances our, hes gonna think that you hung up on him.

So I got on the chat site and mind you that this is around 4 almost 5 in the morn, all the yelling was about to wake my mama up anyway. He demanded that I tell him the real reason we couldnt be together. I gave him a hint:

ME- "Remember when you asked me if I was really 18 and I said yes...well the rest is easy to guess."

~3 seconds later~ *dnt forget I'm I.M.'ing him on the chat site*

HIM- "How old are you really? Dont lie to me"

ME- "Your lucky you got that out of me, Im not telling you anymore"

HIM- "Hey, wait a sec we can still talk..."

ME- "No we cant. Are you forgetting the fact that I'm still in love with my ex?? You deleted my number anyway so it doesnt matter.

HIM- "..."

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Just to let you know...I lied to him about the part of me still being in love with my ex. I just wanted him to forget about me and in the process I broke his heart, in turn breaking my own as well. My fragile 15 yr. old heart. I never felt a connection like this with anyone before in my life.

This wasnt just kiddy love.

My plan was for me to let him go before feelings got deeper than they needed to be on both our parts.

But I was too late.

And this my friends, is why...

"I Hate My Life."