That Fragile Capricorn

I'm so angry, I can scarcely put thoughts together.

What gives him the right to "worry" about me?

He's so full of shit.

The only time he actually speaks to me is when he's run out of fodder to publicly humiliate me. And he doesn't think that he does this, which is even worse.

Why is is any of his concern who I'm going to prom with?

We're not friends; we don't hang out.

He has absolutely no say in anything that I do.

And yet I'm obsessing about shit he told me, possibly because nothing ever happens to me and I need something with which to occupy my time.

No, he did NOT want to go to prom with me, no matter what he says. This is the kind of world that only exists in the past. When Tomasz was an actual nice guy instead of a nice asshole. When Livia and I were still best friends. When I thought wearing black and red made me look cool for chrissakes.

He should hate me. It would make things a lot easier.

And it would explain why he's so condescending.

It's not because I don't agree with his "goals," like he has any attainable ones. Fucking asshole. He's too much of an ass to realize that he's an ass.

I've had it.

I'm not bitching about this anymore.

I just want everything to be the way that I want it to. It makes me a perfectionist, but I don't give a fuck. Perfection sounds like it would be nice.

And I'm tired of feeling alone. Not because I think that I need a boyfriend, because that would eventually end up being counterproductive. I just feel like all of my "close" friends aren't actually my close friends. I've never felt so unimportant to my so-called best friends. It's not like they are trying to include me in anything they do anymore. Most likely because I just sit around feeling sorry for myself all the time.

I should probably work on that.

I just want the intimacy, you know? I don't think I've ever had anything like that with anyone.

But I know why; I'm so afraid of getting hurt that I won't let anyone get anywhere near me, so therefore increase my loneliness instead of saving myself pain and disappointment.

I'm just a mess.