Appearances Can Be Deceiving...

Happy Mother's day!

So I had a revelation in the car. It was about an hour drive to where my family and I were going and I had nothing better to do then lean back and listen to some music. Isn't it funny how music can cause some giant brainstorm in your head? Even if the song has nothing to do with what you're thinking about? Anyway, my little thought process was a tad bit bittersweet. Let's take a peek into the fantastical mind of Gianna and see what the hell was going on.

It’s incredible to me how appearances can be so misleading. Take me for example. I go to school everyday after spending an hour and a half getting ready. An hour and a half trying to look good for who? I think its a combination of both myself and other people... I like wearing makeup and doing my hair. It makes me feel good, but on the other hand I know I'm also doing it so people like me. Isn't it disturbing how many friends you have is so easily based off of how pretty you look? Maybe those aren’t the right kinds of friends.

I can't imagine what my "friends" would be thinking right now if they were reading this... I'm not supposed to have deep dark thoughts. I'm the cheerleader. The girl with a lot of friends and a big house. I’m the one who always has a smile on her face and a positive attitude, because I hate to feel like I’m bringing other people down. It bugs me that nobody knows the things I've been through, or how much has happened to me, not a single person, and thats including my family. But I suppose that's my fault because I never want to share. Don't get me wrong. I have a lot of friends and they’re all really nice, but I feel like some of them are only nice because they think I'm someone I'm not.

You see, I have this talent for adjusting my personality to the company I'm in. When I'm with a person I know what they want to hear, what they want me to say for them to like me... I can be snotty or sweet, funny or serious, loud or shy. It’s uncanny how easily I change the way I act, talk, and move after just looking at a person. I don’t even realize I’m doing it... I have a theory about that. I believe it’s because of how my family is that I find it necessary to fit in... But maybe I’ll write more about that some other time.

I can’t even bring myself to admit the darker parts of my past to this website and its readers, although I know that someday soon I will. And whoever reads what I write will be the only people who ever know. Look at this, I sound like a dramatic story...

Anyways, lets move on to the sweeter part of my thought process. I realized that I spend so much time living in books and theater. The reason I like reading and acting so much is because I don’t have to be myself. It’s an escape from reality. But I’ve officially decided that it’s time to start living in reality again, and join the rest of society. Although this time around, its going to be different.

You know all those songs about wishing on stars? Well, those stars aren’t gonna do it. YOU have to. If I want to become an actress, then I better get the hell of my ass and get a move on and stop waiting for my parents to do it for me because they’re not. Good grades don’t come from just knowing the material. I’m gonna have to do the homework, and study for the tests. I have to take care of myself, and start letting some real people in, because in the real world that I’ve been neglecting for so long, there is no Edward Cullen or magical fairies to come save me. There isn’t some portal to another world that will open and take me away from the stress of school and friends and family. I have to make those miracles happen myself, and maybe if I do a good enough job, God will throw in a little something extra.

Your probably wondering why I’m writing this. The truth is I was going to keep going. I was going to spill my heart out on this little journal entry, but then it would be at least 6 pages long and I didn’t think you’d want to read all that. The reason I’m writing all this is because I’m hoping somebody out there will read it and think, wow, this girl feels like I do. This girl feels alone even when she’s surrounded by people. This girl loves fiction more then real life. And this girl is through waiting around for some miraculous, fairytale experience to just pop out at her. She’s going to make her own. And maybe, just maybe, that reader will be lifted out of THEIR depression a little bit, when they realize they aren’t alone after all.