Thanks "God" .

It’s April. The pool is almost open. I want to swim, to feel my whole body engulfed in water. It feels nice, safe. A different world…

I think my mom thinks I never got over my dad’s death. Well, maybe I haven’t, but who ever does get over someone’s death? For the rest of my life, everyday, the thought that he died far too early will pass my mind. It always does.

I think I may be having kidney problems…and it’s pissing me off. I really don’t need more “issues” to deal with. My life is a total fuck up as it is. We don’t need this shit.

I watched 2012 and Speak today - both very moving movies. I want to make my own movie someday…

Do you think I’m crazy? Well I must be if I’m asking an inanimate object…

I do think I’m crazy. I truly am. But isn’t everyone? I just want to stay in my mind all day. I like it now, when I’m alone. I feel like less of a freak… However, once I’m not alone, I see how different I really am.

I really wish I could move into the worlds of books and my stories that I right. They’re so much better than reality. In books, there’s always a happy ending - somehow, someway.

But in real life…it doesn’t always work that way. I definitely know that feeling - the feeling of nothing good coming to you. Bad things seem to come my way like I’m a fucking magnet.

I kind of like that, though. People who have seen bad things have a better sense of the real world. People who are safe in their perfect little worlds will never survive.

I’m not ready for High School, and discussing my future with someone I don’t know. Why can’t I decide it all on my own, with time to think? I’m never going to choose what I really want with some woman I don’t know with me. I’ll just choose whatever gets me away from people fast enough, back to places where I’m comfortable.

Here’s another reason why I like books better than reality. Those weird girls who would have thought they would never belong, or find someone who understood them (like me) get a boy who understands.

I get zip, zero, nada, nothing.

Thanks “God”. (there is no God, at least not one that spares the weak).