Ache

I'm bearing my soul here. It's the only way I can do it. Through these journals. I didn't sleep last night. All because I didn't receive a simple 'good night' text. I know it wasn't your fault. I know it's because it's all the shit she puts you through. I just-- was so damn worried. I couldn't slow down my racing thoughts. It's almost impossible at times without meds. Even mantras don't help. I've never felt this way about anyone. To be honest, it scares me half to death. I tried. Tried to calm down my thoughts, my doubts, my fears, but nothing worked.

I don't like this vulnerability. I feel like if I'm vulnerable I'm failing you. I'm supposed to be the strong one. I'm supposed to be the one that keeps calm under duress. This little thing happens and I'm falling apart. I can't help but be afraid of what would happen if something serious occurred. I feel like I'm not strong enough. I pretend, but that only lasts for so long.

I wanna be there for you in every way. I want to be the pillar that you desperately need, but I never learned to be that strong person. I've always blocked things out or ran from them. I guess that's what I'm doing right now. I'm running. Always running. Even after I'm done with school I'll be running-- other countries, to other people. Helping. Helping others because I can't help myself. I can't help but worry about what that means for us even if it's years away.

I am just a coward? Is it impossible for me to be truly courageous? I can be selfless, but does that equal courage? Or is that just cowardice in disguise? I'm driving myself crazy. I'm doubting myself again.

I'm losing it. And this time I think it'll be for good. Will you still love me?