I'm A Mess, I Confess.

I’m drinking again. Over a guy. That’s something I haven’t done in years. I am an awful person for what I did, but there are moments in everyone’s life where they just need to feel appreciated. The first time I drank over a boy it was because the situation felt a lot worse than this one, and that’s because the roles were reversed. All these years a part of me has hated him.. I’ve blamed him for killing my trust… but now that I’ve lived it I understand why he did it. I just wish I could find him to tell him that I forgive him.

I haven’t been sober a single night this week. I can’t sleep because I can’t stop thinking about him. I can’t carry out a single conversation with anyone because I can’t get his face out of my head. Hell, I can’t even write my stories right now. He’s the worst writers-block I’ve ever had. Dealing with this would be so much easier if I just had someone to talk to, which is exactly why I’m writing this. I know anyone who reads this is going to judge me, and even though you have no right to, I understand. But what you think can’t be any worse than what I think.

Getting drunk that night was our first mistake. My boyfriend is fully aware that when we drink together, something goes wrong. Usually it’s his fault, though. We were having a great time, the three of us. It started with me honestly just wanting to dance. Dancing is what I’m good at. But Dustin (my boyfriend) never dances with me. He says just ‘cause he can sing like Alex Gaskarth doesn’t mean he can move as well as he can. He left the room for a few minutes to go fetch us all another beer & use the bathroom. That’s when Jeremy started speaking to me.

“I would dance with you in a heart beat but I don’t want to offend Dustin,” he said. See, me & Jeremy, we had never had a real conversation before. I’d met him countless times, he is Dustin’s best friend, but there has always been this… this tension, between us that kept me from speaking to him. “You know, I realized something tonight. My girlfriend is just like you. I‘m so pathetic I went out and found a girl just like you.”

She could never be just like me.

He continued with small comments like that all through the night. Comments that, in some way, made me feel like a better person. Dustin & I haven’t had the best relationship over the last few months. I was always taught to never support a man, and Dustin has had maybe… two jobs, in the last year and a half we’ve been together. He lives with me, in the house I inherited from my grandmother, and he has for almost a year. He hasn’t helped me pay a single bill. It’s not about the money, it’s not, it’s more than that. I feel like he’s still a child & I’m too mature to deal with it.

I tell him all the time: “I’m only eighteen but I feel like I’m thirty. I would give almost anything to feel my age, just for one night.” Dustin had a habit of not cleaning up after himself often. He doesn’t work. Everything is always about him. Since my grandmother died I haven’t even been able to cry, but not once has he asked if I’m okay. On my dad’s four year death anniversary
(which was May 8th) he didn’t bother to say anything. He rarely compliments me, he never wants to know what I’m thinking or feeling. He’s rude. I feel like most of the time he’s only using me for a place to live. I know he knows there isn’t a thing in this world I wouldn’t do for him and he takes advantage of that. I’m sure it’s just because we spend too much time together, but the spark we used to have is gone. I don’t even want to kiss him anymore. I think I’m falling out of love with him, and that hurts, because I’ve never been so happy with another person.

When Dustin finally got too drunk and passed out, Jeremy and I were just starting to feel our alcohol. We took a few shots of moonshine and he talked me into giving him the keys to his car. Yes, I was stupid, but that is the ONLY time I have ever agreed to that. Go ahead, call me an idiot, because I’ve been calling myself that for the last week. It wasn’t just because of the booze, though. It was the way he kept calling me beautiful.

We only went to the end of this tiny little road. Literally, three houses, end of the road, and back. But when he went to turn in the driveway the tires spun and his reaction time was slow. We bounced off of Dustin’s car and onto everything onto the carport. Thankfully everyone made it out alive. (Including all the stray’s that hang around here.) When we managed to get the car back into the yard with a lot of bitching, Jeremy grabbed my shoulders and stood inches away from my face.

“I’ve been dying to kiss you all night,” he said. “We’ve already fucked up once. What’s another time?”

So we kissed. Three times, to be exact. I know because odd numbers bother me. I ended it quickly, saying that it was wrong and I was too drunk to stand up for much longer. With that we went back inside and talked about music for a few hours. When we got bored of that, I laid down on the floor and he sat beside me. He kept telling me how amazing I was, how gorgeous I am, how I shouldn’t have bangs because they hide my eyes. He asked me to talk about everything on my mind, and when I lied to him; he knew. No one ever knows!

He made a comment that since I have brown eyes I was full of shit, and he kept on with it all night. He made me spill my guts to him about everything, and as I did so, I laid my head on his lap and he played with my hair. He said so many sweet things, he took into consideration how I feel, he explained himself to me. It was like… meeting someone new. That feeling in your gut that makes you never want the night to end. We laughed, I almost cried. It was an entire night of drinking, flirting, real conversations about everything we could think about.

He even asked for permission to kiss me again. He made me feel wanted. He made me feel like I was cared about. He made me feel good about myself. He made me feel everything that Dustin should make me feel, but he doesn’t. He doesn’t even try anymore. I didn’t sleep with Jeremy that night, but I was going to. I knew what I was doing was wrong so I stopped it. I couldn’t stop thinking about how bad Dustin would hurt, but what you don’t see is that my actions lasted for ONE night. His have lasted for over a year. An entire year of making me feel like a worthless piece of shit.

I haven’t spoken to Jeremy at all since, which was over a week ago, but I’ve wanted to. It’s taking everything in me not to go to the places I know he’ll be. It’s killing me not to pick up the phone and call him. I know how Jeremy is, I do. I know that every word out of his mouth was probably a lie that night, but the look in his eyes said he was being honest.

I’m drinking because I don’t want to think about him anymore. I just want him to go away, leave my mind. I’m lucky Dustin didn’t leave me. I know I could never be with Jeremy.. I could never trust him the way I trust Dustin, but I can’t help but wonder if Dustin is just plain wrong for me. We don’t work together anymore, and the way that I’ve been feeling about Jeremy…

I know it’s not love, what I’m feeling for Jeremy, but it hurts. It feels like in that one night, he broke me, and it takes A LOT to break me. I’m so angry at him for making me feel helpless, and I’m so pissed at Dustin for making me feel worthless, and I’m so mad at myself for caving to sweet words. I have always been attracted to Jeremy because he is GORGEOUS, but I never knew he was capable of being a good guy. (Even if it was just for a few hours.)

I would give almost anything right now just to see him, and I hate myself for that. It’s not fair to my boyfriend. But what am I supposed to do when I don’t even want to kiss him anymore? I’m so twisted because I find comfort in knowing that he was hurt by my kissing his best friend. My biggest punishment is not guilt for this, because I don’t regret one bit what I did. My punishment is letting myself fall for Jeremy.