Conflicted.

Tired of being conflicted. I read somewhere that if you are feeling conflicted, it is because you are not letting your heart be. And so I will let my heart be. Let's just start with addressing this. Why do I feel conflicted, I wish I could just pin point. A lot of it has to do with you and how my thoughts wonder around you. If I could yell profanities out in the open and hope that it will all go away, it would be easy. But it's not so simple. Thoughts find their way, through their bitterness, to questions about you. Am I still a large share of your thoughts? Do you still know random, silly, stupid things about me? Why do I think about you when cereal is being discussed? So that's what's in my heart. Questions about you. Questions about us. It is difficult to let go, so difficult to detach myself from the tiny, insignificant details of your existence. And honestly, I don't know how to let go, I don't know how to make the blurs around the edges into actual blurs, into actual forgotten memories. And I don't know how to open up to anyone, to ask for help. I don't know how to exhibit my weakness, my weakness concerning you. The truth is, I refuse to be seen as weak in front of anyone's eyes. People say this all the time and I am finally starting to understand this. I refuse to be seen as someone helpless, someone not in control of their emotions, actions, and so forth. I keep stumbling over things that remind me of you and my "out of sight, out of mind" philosophy is starting to fall short. You're a lie, you're not worthy of making a presence in my thoughts, you promises were string of words - nothing more, nothing less, you made your love seem eternal and profound, it was superficial and shallow. You appeared to miss me at an exponential rate, so how can I explain this absence for three months. I am conflicted with misunderstanding, I am conflicted with the idea the sum of us is less than the memories individually. I am conflicted with the idea that I don't cross your mind before your eyes shut because it is still you for me. It is still you. They are not pleasant thoughts, they are not about reconciling, but sometimes they are. Sometimes they are pleasant and friendly, and that is what conflicts me. That is what makes me feel like stranger to myself. Knowing that I am trying so very hard to forget you, make this whole thing insignificant, yet a part of me, however small, still longs to reconcile. And a small part of me still believes that this was not insignificant to you, a small part of me thinks that you regret this, that I am, in fact, the last thought before you sleep. So there, that's what it's my heart. And that is what's conflicting me. I have accepted and acknowledged it, to myself.