Reflections on the end of my 3 year relationship

I feel... okay. And I sorta feel bad about that. But nothing has changed for me, really. Just a relationship status. I guess I already felt most of my hurt in the last two months. I wish she could know I was going through this at the time of my exams and that I protected her from it then, so she would be safe. I couldn't even talk to Jay about it because I felt so guilty. But at the same time, she doesn't need to know that. It's enough for me to know that I tried to do the right thing.

I grew up so much with her. I learned open-mindedness, in a huge and beautiful way. I learned how to keep things going when they went bad. But then I learned how to lie.

It amuses me to know that I learnt how to lie so well that you still don't even know I did it. But I am thankful to have had that experience, no matter how painful. I was always so scared at my inability to lie to anyone because it left me defenseless. But now I know that I can choose. I understand the value in honesty and I still think complete openness is the only way to make a relationship work. It is a comfort to know, however, that I can lie to look after the people I care about.

I have also learned how to be happy. I can control my emotions and focus on the good times. I had to, so that I could keep going with everything on top of me. But I didn't learn that from you, sweetie. I guess gaining friends made me realise just how unhappy I was. I had accepted it as the way life works; you feel depressed and worried and stressed all the time. But no, life is just so beautiful. Go forth and eat cupcakes off the floor with no hands, run around the park like loonies and invent complicated high fives. I now see life as these strings of good times, rather than the worry of work and exams.

Stuff it, you know? If I go to Cambridge that will be awesome and win. But Durham will also be amazing because I will make it so. I tried so hard; I can be proud of whatever happens to me next.
June 1st, 2010 at 03:17pm