Sometimes, we have the worst days. Other times, we have the best. Being neither a kid nor an adult is confusing. Like we're on this...rollercoaster of love and hate. Sometimes we need to laugh until we cry, and sometimes we need to scream so loud that we shake the world. I feel like I've been screaming silently for 3 and a half months. What I did so wrong? I don't know.
All I know is that tears and faked sympathy keep me sane. I know that more than half the people that support me do it out of pity. But it's good enough. They deny it being true, but I can see the lie in their eyes. I give them all the support they need, though. Just because no one deserves to be in the same state I am. The internal pain that's knawing at my insides is horrible. And I wish there was a way to surgically remove it.
To pretend to believe in all these lies is aggravating. Hiding pain is better, but I can't do that anymore. This guy said that he could help me overlook the bad side. What he did? He called the police and told them I was going to kill myself. Did that help? No. Itscrewed things up.
Everyone knows everything now, and they talk about it all the time, like I'm the centre of everything. All of this attention.....I HATE it. I just want to go by for now, with no eyes on me. But now, even the principals and my counsellors are following me.
Everyday I walk in the halls, I stay quiet. People yell at me, they hurt me, and they stare at me with such intense eyes that it feels like they're driving through my soul. It's hard to tell the difference between those I can trust and those I can't. Those I can turn to for a shoulder to cry on, and those I can turn to and expect them not to be there. I have one good friend, though. She's like my other half. she understands my pain, she shares my tears, we find joy in the same things, and we laugh at almost everything. Having her around is great, but I'm still waiting for my knight in shining armor to come rescue me. But I'm starting to think that he'll never come, that he's found another damsel in distress.
All I want is a good home, one where I feel welcome. Good parents, that don't yell at me when I come home. Good siblings, that don't spend their time looking for dirt on me to sell to the world. Good teachers, that actually take the time to explain things and understand that not everyone learns fast. Good classmates, that make you laugh instead of feel insulted. And good friends, that know how to laugh AND cry. Not just one or the other. Friends that give you a shoulder to cry on, warm embraces that make you feel special, laughter that comes from the heart, and 'hello's that are always filled with happiness, and enthusiasm.
I envy those that live a simple life. Those that look forward to class because they actually did their homework,whose climax of their life story's probably their marriage orwhen they had their first child, that have asimple group of friends theyconfide in, that live without ever thinking of suicide...
My breakdowns are terrible, I cry until I feel like my heart's about to burn to ashes. I cry until my throat hurts, and my eyes can't take the sting anymore. I don't like it, or course. But it's not something I can control. My mind needs to spill. Maybe that's why I want to write a book. So that people can know my about life, but not know it's mine when I try to get it published.
It's amazing, I think, how one person that means alot to you, can grow to hate you over a short period of time. You ask them to forgive you, but they take it as sarcasm and try to break your heart. They try to take down your world, shred your soul, steal your good memories, bring you tears and sorrow, and turn your loved ones against you. All I ask for, is forgivness. Can I have that please? Oh, I have to get on my knees? If I do that, you'll accept my apology right Angelica?
I'll do anything to make everyone around me smile. Anything.
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