Sleep is fleeting...

I keep dreaming about you. I couldn't even stay asleep for one hour. I really need this to stop. I know you're gone. I have no idea why my subconscious seems to keep slapping me in the face with it. I keep having that one dream. You know the one. The one I had a week before you died. That one. The one dream that scares the shit outta me above all others because I know dreams like that have repeated themselves and not even a month passes by before it comes true.

It isn't like I can't talk about this effectively with anyone. All they can offer me is their sympathies. And while I fucking appreciate that they care, it doesn't erase this dream by any means. Are you trying to tell me something? I keep thinking about you. About your grave. It hits me so hard at times. At night, I just seem to break down. I hate feeling defenseless, but I can't do anything to help it. I know I miss you, but I really need to get over this. I'm trying to remember what you were like while alive. I don't even want to focus on your death. Who in their right mind would? But little details-- they keep slipping... The sound of your voice, the feel of your five 'o clock shadow when you picked me up and hugged me. The time I spent the summer with you and I would come out onto the balcony and you'd be in the corner, smoking and drinking after having worked all day. You'd smile and put out your cigarette and have no problem with just talking to my 9-year-old self.

You couldn't sleep. Like me. You were never able to sleep right. And that whole summer our insomnia and discussions made you the father I always knew you to be. The father I loved so much. The father I still love. The man I know Ma longs for. She misses you, you know. Everyone does. I'm trying to hold on to memories, but it gets more difficult every day. I can't recall your scent that would make me smile so much whenever you hugged me.

I miss you. I miss the fact that you never talked down to me because I was a child. I miss the warmth of your love. It's fading. And all I keep getting is this dream. This fucking dream. I want to be rid of it. For good. I want the memories I am losing slowly. I only call Tio Eduardo so I can pretend it's you. It works for a couple of days, but not forever. I'm crying right now. Can you hear me? I am disappointing you?

Am I the woman you hoped I'd grow into? I don't think I am for Ma. I know she's disappointed. I can see it in her eyes. I know she's just as disappointed in herself. Feels like she's failing us. And because of her quest for 'finding her love', she is. Why'd you have to leave? I know you were planning to propose. Now I cry myself to sleep. Almost every night and pretend to be okay in the eyes of others. I pretend not to care about the boyfriends of hers, but I do.

It hurts.

I need you, but you're gone. Why? I feel like I took you for granted. I feel like such a failure. I feel like you'd fucking hate me so much if you were alive now. I'd be the 'bad example' you'd point out to Edwin and Angiemar. They miss you, too. I can't stop crying. I wish you'd just answer me... I wish-- I wish you were still here. I need you so much. Please take these nightmares away. I just want to be left with the memories I am struggling to grasp onto. These nightmares are making them disappear and I don't know what I'll do if they do.

I love you, Papi. I hope you still love me.
June 18th, 2010 at 10:38am