This Is Lily Ranting.

I've known Matt for almost five years. I can honestly say he is one of my best friends. Sadly, the best friend curse has come to fuck shit up.

The first year I knew him (fourth grade) I had a crush on him because he made me laugh. Sadly, that was the year I let Elaine the Bitch control me, and since she thought he was ugly, I wasn't allowed to talk to him. Fifth grade, I rarely saw him until towards the end of the year. I had a thing for his best friend, but he still made me laugh. Then, sixth grade, I didn't have anyone to talk to while waiting for the buses to come, so I sat down by him. And that's when the mess started.

I fell for him again. We dated for about a month and a half, and I got bored and dumped him because I'm a fucking bitch. We got back together the next day, and two weeks later, he dumped me for some chick named Madison who was a total whore. That was probably my first heartbreak, I must say. But, I got through it and we became best friends instead of dating.

That March, I fell in love with Alex, and found out Matt still liked me. Well, since I'm an irrational idiot, I freaked out and started thinking we couldn't have a friendship. It didn't help that my friend Galen was lying to the both of us because he liked me. We honestly almost didn't get through that.

Over the summer, we didn't talk. Period. Why? No clue. I was really busy that summer, and we just didn't talk. I was kinda worried he would fail, but I was too wrapped up in Alex to worry about it too much. C'est la vie.

Then, we got back in school, and got back together. (Ironically enough, on the same day we started dating in September.) We broke up in late October, early November, not sure which. Why? Oh, because I fell in love with my other best friend Brittany's boyfriend Theo. I suck. I know.

Then, in December, out of pity, I went out with him... again. I told him my parents were making me break up with him in early January, but really I was just... bored. Really, really bored. He knew that, actually, he just didn't tell me he knew for a couple months. Again with the me being a bitch.

I fell for Blake next. (Yes, I'm aware I fall in love entirely too often.) We dated for a few months, and things were fine between me and Matt. I dated around some after Blake and I broke up, nothing serious. Towards the end of the school year, I started liking Matt again, and the last week of school, we got back together.

Two days later, I dumped him.

Why? Because I knew I would get bored and summer was coming up. We wouldn't be able to talk (yes, that is the excuse I gave him) and I like being single during the summer. I flirt entirely too much.

So, let's review. We've dated five times and three of them ended because, quite simply, I was bored. As I mentioned earlier, I flirt a lot. God knows how many times I accidentally led him on. I even suggested getting back together once without actually meaning it. In my defense, that was after Blake dumped me, and I was out of a my mind, just a bit. But still. We act the same when we're dating as we do when we aren't, and quite frankly, that bores me. I hate to say it, but it does. Either way, surely by now you get the point: I am a giant bitch to this boy.

But, earlier this evening, a mutual friend sent me an IM conversation she and Matt had where he admitted he was in love with me.

I always knew, I guess. I mean, I figured it was me being narcissistic like I can get, but I always kinda knew. I was in denial though, through and through. I always thought he'd get over one day, but, well, obviously, he hasn't. I have no idea what to do. I love him, but I'm not in love with him, and I won't pretend to be. But something has got to give. I can't keep treating him the way I do, and I can't help it. I honestly wish I had never talked to him that day in sixth grade. I'm freaking out, and I can't stop it. He said it would kill him if I stopped talking to him, and I don't want to, but damn it, I'm running out of options.