Insecure

First everything goes well. My mom irks me to take a shower, so i do. I have a relaxing, cool wash, and when I come out, I want to go out and ask if I can stay home for the day. But when I open the door silently, I hear them talking about me. They're criticizing me, gossiping about me, patronizing me, and not even to my face. I think they're even afraid to do so. But if they have something they'd like to say....well, it's true that I wouldnt listen. But why don't I? Because whenever my mom tells criticizes me to my face, it's always what I've done wrong. She never congratulates me on things I find important. And if she rarely does, it's about stupid things, like yesterday I cleaned my room, and two hours later she comments on it. After I've messed it up again; and then she patronizes me on that a couple minutes later. I don't know how to please her. Frankly, I have no motive to do so. It's like she hates me, i always feel like she does, and right now I feel like I want to cry. Why does she do that? People say it's wrong to eavesdrop, like I was doing on their conversation, but what's worse? To gossip about someone to someone else or to eavesdrop? Especially if you're the one being gossiped about? I never feel like I do anything right. I do actually consider if death would be easier, but then I think about the people that never do those things to me, Criticize me to someone else like my own mom is doing. And this isn't uncommon either. She must do that to someone new every day. And then she acts like I'm not even here. When my uncle asked if my unwillingness to do anything today is just "teenage laziness", she says "No. she's a grouch and not fun to be around". Excuse me? I spent FOUR HOURS at a party yesterday and never stopped doing something crazy for a moment of it. Of course I don't want to do anything today! I'm tired! And then she starts to criticize me over school, which I'm out of now. She thinks I have no chance of getting into college in California because I'm not a resident there. Not everyone stays home until after college, mom! I don't want to stay in Maryland! I hate it! and of course she's there, and i think if i have to hear any more of their conversation, I'll probably run out of the house. i might do that now. I have places I can go. After watching the last episode of Parenthood again, and Amber leaves, my mom told me to promise I'd never run away. I told her i couldnt promise that. she got so mad at me...when does she not?...and now I think that I could.