I don't understand this cruelty, but now I see

Hey, how is everyone?

So I wish I could say I'm wonderfully happy, doing great and have finally sorted myself out, but that would be lying and thats the one promise I have been able to keep lately. Not lying to everyone, or trying not to at least, I just tend to avoid the questions instead... Not sure if thats better or worse though. I miss me, I miss being happy, I miss being able to not worry, not over think, not stress. Though at the moment that all seems so far out of reach. I haven't even been drawing or writing at all in the past few weeks. This isn't good, I know it isn't, I know I should go back to the doctors, but I just can't bring myself to do it you know? I mean it's completely different, accepting it's back and actually getting treatment. I think I still believe I can handle it, at least until someone breaks through once again, I don't want the treatment, I don't want the weight back, if anything I want to lose more... I'm nowhere near where I ended up last time, so in my head I don't think that I'm viewing it as a serious thing, more of a minor. Whereas I know everyone else would think otherwise. But they don't understand, it's the one thing I can control and being able to control something is important to me. I can control the weight, how much I lose, how much I want to exercise. I'm scared I'll lose control though... And fall back into that never ending cycle of therapists, blood tests, medication and constantly being watched. I know I've relapsed, I know it's bad, I just can't bring myself to tell anyone at all, it's the only thing in my life that feels like its going right, plus it's helping me to save money.

Anyway enough of that, I start my new position at work tomorrow... Super worried because I'm going to be so much more stressed than I already am. Everyone already depends on me so much, I just have so much pressure not to screw up, because everyone counts on me. I'm the one they ask about everything, helps with everything (personal or work) and in general is always there for them when they need me. I'm kind of getting sick of being the responsible one, because thats all it is. If someone needs help I'll help them no matter what, no matter how much it could hurt me, sometimes I wish I wasn't such a self-less person, but the truth is I don't care enough about myself to be selfish. Everything I do is for someone else never for myself. Take my holiday next month, I'm taking George to show her the North Island before she leaves to go back to England, and before she said she was wanting to come, it was to see family because they were complaining they hadn't seen me in months. In reality I should be taking it off and relaxing, treating myself, but its not and it never will be.

Realising all this has made me more cynical and sarcastic than normal, I try to make myself care more about me, but I just can't bring myself to do it. I don't see the point... I think that scares me more than anything...

Sorry about the depressing journal guys

Much Love,
KimiKimiMore

R.I.P. Nan, Tenga and Granddad - maybe one day soon I'll be up there with you guys too