I think I was in love..

But I let it go.

No, actually, I pushed him away.

He started as my brother's friend, became my friend, and grew to be my best friend so quickly. In a matter of months, he knew me better than I knew myself. After a year it was like he was inside my mind. He thought what I thought, he felt what I felt.

When I hurt, he was right there by my side to tell me to let it all out. He's seen me at my worst and my best. He told me I looked wonderful even when I knew I looked like shit. He listened to my countless complaints and dealt with my attitude and sarcasm.

He woke up early on his summer days just so i could come over to lay in bed with him. He went out to buy my ice cream when I couldn't stop crying. He willingly dropped his plans to be able to drive me somewhere. He would take the long drive to my house, just to sit in my room and watch tv while I got ready to leave for a vacation.

He was always there for me. For the littlest things sometimes, but still, he was there.

Everyone always said we should've gotten together -- but I brushed them off. I told them we were just best friends and nothing else. And then that was that.

But after a while, I realized I did like him more than that. He was a constant in my life and I wanted him to stay that way. But the second that I told him that I felt something for him and he told me he felt the same -- the fear inside of me erupted. I was suddenly so scared of being hurt. I didn't want him to leave me for something or someone better. So, I left first.

I cut off all ties with him. I ignored his texts, refused to look his way in class, or utter his name. I shoved him out of my life with out a simple goodbye, or an explanation that I knew he damn well deserved.

No, I left him clueless and wondering.

It was a year that I cut him out of my life.. A whole fucking year. A year that I felt so empty and incomplete with out him.

Junior year, I don't know what changed my mind -- it could've been the constant emptiness and aching inside of me that made me want to fix everything. So I did. It wasn't easy and I never expected it to be. We talked for hours about what happened, the whole time me never really telling the truth for my actions. But he accepted everything and pushed it aside, so we could both have our best friends back.

The thing was though, he had a new girl in his life. And at the time I accepted that as well. I would take what I could get. I was his best friend and he was mine -- and that was good enough for me, to have him in my life again.

But as time rolled on again, things went back to the way they were. We were together all the time and he spent less and less time with that other girl. And once again those feelings came out. We left everything unsaid for months but when it finally came out, I again started to drift away from him again.

I never fail to push the one person I loved the most away from me.

The day that we started talking again, I told him he was always going to be a constant in my life. No matter how many times that we had stopped talking -- something always brought me back to him, brought us back together. But I guess that wasn't true.

He's not in my life anymore. I pushed him away one too many times.

He can't stand to look at me and he doesn't trust me to be in his life anymore. I fucked with his heart and mind too many times to be able to trust me ever again. I let that fear come between us and now I'll never be able to call him me best friend ever, ever again.

I realized I lost one of the most important people to me. And I have no one but myself to blame. Maybe I did it out of fear or maybe I did in hopes that he would fight for me and tell me that he needed me in his life. I mean, he did it once, why not again. I realized it was just one too many times. Why did he need to prove himself to me? I should've been proving myself to him. But I couldn't even do that.

I realized I was in love with him too late. He's moved on and forgotten about me. And I don't blame him.

I miss him, I really do. And I think if I could go back and do things differently, I'd take that chance in a heart beat.

"Can we pretend that airplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars? I could really use a wish right now."