You're ruining my life!!!

I've been wanting to say this for a long time,
but it's hardest because I'm saying it to myself.
I can't live a normal life anymore, and it's all my own fault really.
I'm afraid of anything and everything, no matter how you look at it.
I can't stop thinking about death,
the truth is I cry about it all too much.
I was in a car accident, and if the wheel of the semi truck had been just a bit closer,
I would have ended up like toothpaste on the concrete.
The thing is,
I should feel so lucky I wasn't....but it's only turned my life into a nightmare.
I feel like I'm always dreaming, and I just can't wake up.
I see shadows all over.
I can't look at myself in the mirror.
I feel like so much evil is all over the place.

I don't know how to go back to my normal thoughts.
I can barely take it anymore.
I laugh, but I don't mean to, and say that I'm going crazy.
I am.

I think about seeing someone, a professional for help.
I don't have that sort of money.

I don't know what to do anymore.
I try calming myself, but I just can't relax.
My thoughts are always going from peaceful, to utter terror in seconds.
I can't drive anymore,
I can't sleep in the dark anymore,
I've always had anxiety,
but it's become a million time intensified.

No one really knows, but I flinch at least five times on an average car ride.
If I am in the bathtub, my sister normally puts the long mirror by it, and I always end up putting it down on the floor.
It's not that I'm disgusted by myself,
I'm afraid that I'll see something behind me to be honest.

This is really strange writing this, but I just...had to somehow.
Say all these things.

I'm afraid of crazy unbelievable things, my mind can make anything innocent,
natural,
become apocalyptic.

I just don't know what to do anymore...