Going Through Changes...

I had the bomb dropped on me Saturday night. I saw it coming, but that doesn't mean that there was any less of a chance that it would shatter everything. The Doctors told me, last year when I was diagnosed with Leukemia, that there wouldn't be much time. It was just a time bomb. So here we are, nearly fourteen months after the first tests, standing at the end of the tunnel. I don't see the light they always talk about, the one you see when the worst is over. I'm not scared to die. I'm scared that I didn't live. Not really live. Not live enough. With the year long deadline looming over me like some rain cloud that will never go away... I think of my mother and little sister.

Brother Peter committed suicide two weeks ago. And now the terminally ill younger sister is on her way out too! I wonder if they'll be able to cope, just the two of them. Part of me says that it's not my place to wonder. That I'm the reason they'd have to carry on, regardless of how they felt.

Mom, I know it was never easy. The insurance was always too little. The hope was even harder to come by than the money. But you loved me just the same. I want to tell you how much it all means. To tell you just how strong you are. But words are never enough. You always taught me that.

Vera, my little twin, you've faced so much in your life that has forced you to grow up too soon. Never be embarrassed of the way that you love colouring with sidewalk chalk and playing hide and seek in the dark. You're everything I've always wanted to be, and I love you so much more than I could ever love myself. You made the fight worth it-- the bone marrow transplants and your smile. I'm sorry I let them hurt you.

Mibbians, you've always been there. I've made friends here that made publishing stories less of a terrifying experience, and more of a time to grow. Your comments, personalities and understanding will continue to bring a sense of belonging to each and every author on this site. It's been a good run, hasn't it? (:

Now that I'm getting all choked up, with not much else to say, I sign off with a promise. To be here until the very end. Commenting on your master pieces, and witnessing the growing miracle that is the written word.

Until my heart has expired, and forever on,
I am yours. I am hemingway. I am Ember Thai.