Soul Searching.

Why can’t I be them? Why can’t I always have smiles and laughs? Why can’t I generally be happy like they are? Why can’t it be someone else who feels this pain? Someone else who cries these tears? Why can’t I finally get a break? Why can’t I be the one on the other side of this equation, never worrying, and just living life? Why can’t that be me?

Because God has a vision, and apparently my suffering is my learning.

I’m learning to cope with caring so much about everyone. I care until my heart pounds so hard in my chest, it fucking explodes. I care so much that I somehow fix that destroyed heart, just so it can happen all over again. I care so much, that I’d give everything I have to everyone and never hold back. I care so fucking much, that I’d take a bullet for a kid I barely know.

Because as much as I hate to admit it, it’s just simply who I am.

I am the person barely worth mentioning, yet the answer to your prayers. I am the person you secretly come to because you need help; and no matter what the circumstances, I will give my best advice. I am the person you don’t tell your friends that you know; yet to me, you could be my best friend.

Because I give so much, and never take anything back.

I don’t have a backbone. I won’t stand up for myself. All I care about is your own happiness; mine is never the key. I won’t say or do anything to upset you, because I can’t stand seeing you sad. I will say what you want to hear, even if it’s the worst possible thing for you. I don’t care, as long as you are smiling.

Because everyone comes before myself.

So what do I do when I am the one that needs help? What do I do when I’m the one that needs advice from people? What do I do when I am so close to breaking? Who can I call? Who is out there to serve me? Who can make me smile and laugh? Who makes me not worry? Whose that person for me? Not a single person.

Because God wanted to give me a challenge.

So he gave me this life. This life I don’t think I’m ready for. This life that will cause me to grow up much sooner than intended, and already has. This life that will cause me more pain, more hurt, and more anger than anyone could imagine. God gave me this life to make me stronger; to make me learn from my mistakes. He gave me this life because he thought I could handle it. He thought I could go everyday feeling numb.

God thought wrong.

There is no way in hell I can do this; much less on my own. There is no way, even with the smartest advice; I can process what’s in store for me. There is no way I can deal with what the future holds. There is no way I can take chances and hope for the best out of them. God, there is just no way.

As the days drag on, I think.

God, I’ve learned so much. I’ve given, never taken, and always try my hardest. I’ve learned that there is nothing more than this life that I have. There is no way to change this course, this path, I have to take. I have learned that whatever you say goes. I have learned you have only given me a task you know I can accomplish.

The hard part is believing you.

/rannntttt. :/