Lover gone

On certain days, this journal, or rather this exhibition of emotion through the medium of words, lacks in any sort of significance. But it's days and moments like this that justify the presence and importance of my writing and thus this journal. Today marked a day that I remember and perhaps will remember for a very long time. As with many things that remind me of you, this day was subtle and twisted. I remember talking to you on this very day last year. How are the events of this day any different to you and I - that question lies in my thoughts. Hints of reminiscence and what used to be. I miss you, quite simply and it breaks my heart when I say that. I can feel it breaking as I acknowledge those three words in my head. It's disheartening, to say the least - missing you. Because for all I know, you have moved past what used to be us in the last five months. A few days from now marks a moment in our history and I know that I will be thinking of you, but moreover I will be thinking about whether you are thinking of me. People say love is messy and it tears you apart. These sort of words just sound beautiful in a devastating way and that's all I thought of it up until now. But it's coming to my realisation that love is perhaps the most devastating thing ever. I mean real love. And it's completely explainable in such a context because real love means that you allow someone to really enter your life with the guards down and all. And putting all your guards down is a devastating thought just by itself, therefore letting someone in after such a notion is devastating times two - horrifying. Love is just that. I am glad for what we had, I really am. And there are so many things to be thankful for. I am unable, however, to say whether this is a blessing in disguise because I am starting to remember many of the good things about you and us. Is there some kind of hidden meaning in this that I am meant to learn from? I know that I should be thankful to have loved and lost but reminders of you are painful to the heart and I just don't know if I can take that any longer.