I can't do it.

My mom has called me stupid for the third time now.

I suck at math. I almost failed 7th and 8th grade, and my mom gets upset enough when I get a C. Sometimes she talks about me to my family and the few other people she knows, as if I'm not even there. I'm not sleeping, I'm listening to you. My earphones aren't that loud, I can here every word.

Everyone in my family, living and deceased, has been or desired to be a teacher of some sort: elementary. preschool, life coach, speech language pathologist (helps people with their speech like stutter, etc.), etc.

My sister took care of college pretty much by herself, money and all, and she got through grad school on her own too.

I have to find scholarships. I keep seeing things I can't do or didn't finish like band or something, and even though I'm an okay writer and would love for someone to buy a book of mine one day, I wouldn't be surprised if no one bought it, not even my mom. Well my grandma might buy it.

All of my friends are taking AP classes, maybe 2 or more, and alot have already taking some AP classes last year. I'm just starting an AP class in the fall, and it's in US history. Not impressive. Not like math or english or science. Just notes and facts and such that i'm surprised I remember, my memory sucks a lot.

The only reason I'm putting up with college is to get a job so I can stay far away from my mom, but I can't exactly leave my brothers who have autism. My mom hasn't worked since 1992, and she lost some income already because the boys are 18 and legally should be able to take care of themselves, but I know their doctor said that they will always need assistance. Not a lot of people know how to work with them though, mainly me and my mom. Even though they have special needs like any other disabled person, they are just too unique and difficult and dangerous.

My best talents are spelling and making up stories.

I don't want to be a teacher and I can't work with kids.

I want to be a wedding planner, and even though my family hasn't protested, I know they think it's ridiculous and not the best career to go after.

I feel like shit. Absolute shit. Who do you turn to when you have no dad, your mom thinks you're an ungrateful dumb-ass, your brothers live in their own little world, the rest of your family is too perfect to understand and would probably send you right to therapy, two your best friends left you, your other best friend probably hates you for being annoying and insensitive and bitchy, and no one besides your best friends know your problems as well as anyone else? Who do you turn to when your only reason to keep trying is so your brothers can keep living their cushy lives? What the fuck do you do when you want to give up, have tried so many times to keep going because everyone thinks you can make it and push you to go farther, but you just fall bigger and harder every time you try climbing up again? What am I supposed to do now?

I can't climb this gigantic, jagged mountain with the weight of my family and their high expectations on my shoulders by myself.

Today I got to try rock climbing. I didn't get far at all. I gave up, I wasn't strong enough to pull myself up, I couldn't do it. I tried so many times, so many people below me trying to get me to keep going, saying I could do it, but I couldn't. I gave up, and I didn't feel good or bad. I was indifferent. This day is exactly how my life is going and it's never going to end until the end, is it?