depression. anxiety.

I've been diagnosed with both.

The stupid part is, when I was younger, and I first felt like this, I would've killed for a diagnoses. Anything to know that I wasn't alone, that other people felt like this, that there was a reason behind it all. I don't know. Now I've got what I used to want. I can't explain this without sounding like a gay freaking emo, but I can't relax and accept that I have these conditions.

I can't talk about it without feeling like I'm attention seeking. And it's my father's fault... the doctor told me to not think about it as much as possible until everything had calmed down and he wasn't throwing names at me anymore... I can't help it. It's all I think about, it's all I can think about. My stepmother makes him say horrible things... I wish she'd have hit me, or been physically violent in anyway, because she is so horrible to me, she's such a horrible person anyway - and the thing that hurts most is when she says I'm attention seeking. I don't know if I feel the way I do about her because I want someone to hate or if I have valid reasons - well, they call it an "invalidating environment" apparently. She's a "mental health worker" but I've been made to speak to professionals now and they've all said she needs to go back to night school and finish the course. I don't know.

I'm so lost right now. I don't feel like myself at all... I'm a writer and the words won't come. I'm a reader but I can't concentrate on books long enough to make sense of them, not even The Perks Of Being A Wallflower or Carrie, and not even Harry Potter, and Harry's always gotten me through before. I used to be passionate about things, I used to enjoy debating and politics and reading the news but now... I had an english essay to do, a persuasive article on any topic of ones choice and a year ago it would have been my ideal task, but now I just don't care about anything. A few months ago I had relatively okay self esteem but now I absolutely hate myself, I just want to stay in bed and cry all day. My boyfriend hates it when I put myself down but the other day I realised how bad I am, he called me beautiful and I started crying because I couldn't believe him...

My legs are scarred to fuck now and I started at my arm again last night, something I haven't done in months. I cut myself constantly. It's summer and today I wore full length jeans and a sweater so that my little brother and sister would be spared the sight of fresh cuts... as soon as I bring it up the shrinks tell me I'm worth more than razorblades but the problem is I'm not. They think I'm going to kill myself and they're probably not that wrong. My mother has to sleep in my room to stop me. I'm breaking her heart and I can't stop it..

I just don't know what to do with myself anymore. I don't go to school anymore and it's a proper struggle to get up and dressed in the morning. I can't sleep at night and I don't want to wake up in the mornings. I just want to feel better. I always thought someone else seeing how I feel and validating it would make me feel halfway better instantly but it's not, I'm not getting any better.

I don't know what to do with myself anymore. I don't want to worry anyone because I'm not worth it, honestly. Just someone needs to know that's not a shrink and isn't analysing me, or isn't my mother and I'm hurting her. I don't know.

I love you.
I really do, I swear.
July 12th, 2010 at 12:40am