What a Man's Bedroom Says About Him.

Never judge a man until you’ve walked a mile through the hundreds of unwashed pants littering the floor of his bedroom. (It won’t be a mile, it’ll just feel like it.)

You can learn a lot about a man from his boudoir. If you want to know what kind of boyfriend he’ll be, simply look at the posters on his walls. If you want to know about his abilities as a lover, his bedsheets are full of little clues – and we don’t just mean stains.

Join us as we venture through his bedroom keyhole, and watch where you put your feet.

1. His bed

Big pile of pillows: The ‘pile ‘em high’ approach is not about comfort, it’s about persuading you to sleep with him. First, he thinks that it makes his bed look more hotel-like, so you’ll be more likely to stay the night. He also thinks that the vast pillowy hill will make his beer belly look smaller. He’s worried that it’ll make everything else look smaller too, but he’s prepared to take that risk.

Football duvet cover: Either you’re dating a man who keeps his mum in the wardrobe, or you’re dating your school pupil. Either way, we’re telling the police.

White bedsheets (untidy): This man knows is trying to appeal to women’s tastes, but unfortunately he just comes across as being a bit mimsy and lacking in direction. Renee Zellweger may feature in his DVD collection.

White bedsheets (ironed): Run for your life. He’s either a control freak, a mummy’s boy or a serial killer. (Suggested supplementary reading material: American Psycho.)

Dark coloured bedsheets: This man thinks he can get away without washing his sheets for weeks, because he has never noticed that stains show up even worse on dark sheets than they do on white sheets. But he carries on regardless, believing that his maroon duvet cover is both practical and masculine. This man means well, so go easy on him.

Matching striped bedsheets: This is the bed of a man who knows what he likes, and knows how to work a washing machine. Stripes also make you look slimmer, so dive in.

2. His clothes

Ironed clothes in colour order: This man uses absolute wardrobe-control to keep a lid on his crushing insecurities. As soon as he starts to worry about anything, he simply opens his wardrobe, surveys the tight ship inside, and feels better about himself.

Floordrobe: A man who files his clothes in a giant pile on the floor is a man who’ll seduce you with his free-flowing lust for life – then expect you to iron his shirt for work. He has the soul of an artist and the domestic skills of a cheese sandwich. Shag him senseless, then dump him before he turns you into his slave (and not in a good way).

Wardrobe with padlock: This is where he keeps his guns and/or blow-up doll and/or the little black dress that he wears during Match of the Day.

3. His art

Football posters: This man is sweetly naïve. He fails to realise that filling his walls with images of tight bottoms and rippling thighs will do nothing to make him look more attractive. He also fails to realise that football posters are a bigger turn-off to most women than dog poo in the sink. Still, he’s easily pleased, and if his team won today he’ll do anything you want in bed.

Giant world map: He’s an adventurous type, as you’ll discover when he asks you to stick your ankles behind your ears and sing the Colombian national anthem. When the sex part is out of the way, he’ll get even more excited as he lights up a Cuban cigar (bought off a kazoo-playing political activist on the streets of Havana) and tells you all about his next trip to Patagonia. Don’t try to match him story for story: he will always go one better than you, because he is The World’s Best-Travelled Man. Just nod, say “wow” now and then, and practice your yoga.

“Glamour” posters: He is gay. One day he’ll accept it and find a nice boyfriend, but this day is a long way off.

Pastel-coloured watercolour featuring bamboo plants: He’s not taken you home, he’s taken you to a hotel room.

Mirror on the ceiling: When he gets you into bed, he’ll want you to go on top so that he can admire his muscles in peace.

Photo of his mum: Make your excuses and leave.

Photo of his ex-girlfriend: Make your excuses, sprinkle gelatine in his loo, and leave.

4. His accessories

Lots of gadgets on standby: A man who is too lazy to switch off his telly properly is definitely too lazy to do the washing up before you get home. Do not under any circumstances have children with him until someone invents a remote-control nappy changing machine. (Note: he may simply be afraid of the dark, and therefore prefer to sleep in a forest of humming red eyes.)

Red lightbulb: Nothing to do with romantic atmosphere, everything to do with the rash of angry back-zits that he doesn’t want you to see.

Bookshelves full of literature: He read lots of difficult stuff at university, and by God you are going to know about it. If you want to impress this man, buy him theatre tickets and use an occasional semi-colon in your text messages.

Bookshelves full of computer games: He will never love you in the profound, soul-deep way that he loves Super Monkey Ball. He can’t remember your name, because he has the attention span of… you know… thing… er?