So, if you read my other journal, you know that my gf broke up with me, and I've had some problems with it. But I'm doing okay, I think. She keeps commenting my page, and she keeps trying to convince me that we were never right. It's her way of trying to get me over her, and herself over mel. I just wish things had turned out differently between us.
From the time I asked her out, 9 months ago, I knew that we would never make it. But I insisted on making my whole life about her for as long as I could. I told her about everything, and wanted to know about her every move. I knew she had been leading me on while she was dating her last bf, and I wanted to make sure she wasn't cheating me like she did him. I coddled her and wanted to know her every move. I thought that I could make her stay if I kept her closer than anything else. But, at the same time, my mom kept us apart, and wouldn't let us speak, which made me want to pull her even closer, but at the same time, I was pushing her away.
My mom grew cold, and I blamed it partially on Mickey. I knew that it wasn't her fault, but I did take it out on her. The thing is, when I'm upset about something, I hold it in and hold it in until I will explode if I don't release it. So I would release all my frustrations on Mickey. I would tell her exactly what I wanted, what I was being forced into, and how much I hated it. I told her "I want things to be the way they were before" so much. I meant my relationship with mom, but she thought i meant back the way we were before. I didn't think I needed to explain myself, i thought the title girlfriend would make her able to read my mind.
Another issue was her immaturity. 2 years is alot when the younger is 16 and the older is 18. I was ready for something real, she is terrified of being hurt. I am a people studier, and have had enough life experiences to know what people need and want, and I knew what I wanted in a relationship. She didn't want the same things, and refused to share what she did want. I didn't know what she expected out of a girlfriend, so I couldn't be what she wanted.
It may seem as if I'm blaming her too much, but I know that I knew all of this way back in October, and I still went through with it. I knew it would end something like this, and I was willing to put us through the pain of it all.
I just wish I could see some remorse in her. I wish I could see that she's not going to turn around and start going out with that stupid Ash.
Background on Ash: Mickey met her cousin online, they were gf for a few weeks, Ash was her friend, Ash saw pictures of me on Myspace, became obsessed, after a 3 minute conversation, she asked me out. I didn't know this girl from Adam. I tried to let her down easy, but she's had it out for me ever since. She's been talking bad about me to Mickey for months, and putting doubts in her head. And I hate her. Mickey turned immediately to her for comfort when she broke up with me, and I hope Mickey does the same thing she did to me to Ash. Cause Ash=***.
I'm done. ;)
I feel better now.
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