Darker side.

WARNING: Okay. This is going to be a tad (somewhat) emo.

My name isn't important, but if you must know, it's Elizabeth. Preferably Lizzz. Multiple Z's, the better. I am 17 years old, and I tried to kill myself when I was 9. Then again, when I was 11, 13, 15, and now, 17.

I must really fail at suicide, or my body is unkillable.

Regardless, it's not like I want to die, it's more like I can't control these thoughts that basically consist of what my mother tells me everyday.

Examples:
"You are an ignorant bitch."

"You are chicken-shit."

"You can't do anything right, cause you're a worthless piece of shit."

I think it all changed for me, when my mom grabbed me by my hair, and threw me against the wall. It was when my dad didn't protect me, like I thought he would. I thought that he would step in, and not allow this. But I guess, I was wrong. He just stared, and told me to go to my room (where I then sliced open my leg). It hurt. The physical pain didn't help. It didn't take away my suicidal thoughts; it didn't make the situation any better. I then passed out, because of the lack of blood.

Woke up the next day, to a fake family.

FAKE FAMILY

My dad is never home, due to his job, which requires him to work in Afghanistan. I love him. A lot.

My mom is an alcoholic. An abusive woman. I don't love her. Not after the years of abuse. Everyone knows that she can be 'hard-to-deal-with', but no one really understands what I've been through.

Thanks to that woman, I will be fucked up. Thanks to that woman, I have trust issues. Thanks to that woman's genetics, I am easily addicted (self-harming, nicotine, weed, alcohol, etc), and alcohol-prone. Thanks to that woman, she'll never see her grandchildren; she'll never see me.

For my life, it lingers on addictions.

When I was straight-edge, it would be sleeping. When I got home, I sleep. When I woke up, I'd wish for more sleep. Minus those 8 hours of school, I was asleep for the rest of my days. I didn't want to wake up.

But now that I'm not straight-edge, it's more like marijuana, pills, marijuana, sleeping, cutting, and concerts. I just want to sleep.

My addictions usually keep the suicidal fairy in me, away, but sometimes, it goes wrong. The fairy turns into my demon, and instead of just nudging me with the thoughts, it's like it waterboards me. Just drowns me, but not drowning, just like waterboarding.

My doctor told me I was going to be fucked up when I got older, but I don't want to be.