Life As I Know It

Have you ever just stood still? Stopped take a breath and look around you, how many of the face’s that pass you every day do you actually know?

Everyone seems to have a place to go or something to do even someone to talk to. I don’t, I fear I never will. Locked away in the same room for two weeks, the air gets vary stale, tastes like saltine crackers.

When I first saw my walls I thought they were a pretty color of green like an Easter egg perfect and calming, now my walls just look like putrid vomit. I wonder if this is what it feels like to be dead, I have a numb feeling crawling up inside me begging to be let free. It’s held captive in my soul, that little piece of me is dyeing slowly and painfully.

Loneliness does things to you it mutates you turns you inside out and sows you shut from the world. Soon you stop struggling to get out. Then one day you instead insist on staying hiding inside your own body fearing the unknown outside world and you can never go back. One good thing about being alone is you really have time to mull things over. You figure out who you really are and how you got there. Hell: you don’t have to be dead to live there.

Heaven sounds so amazing I wonder why god made such a perfect beautiful paradise, but then stuck us here. You’re not supposed to want to go to heaven when you’re on earth the whole thought is suicidal, yet I can’t help it. I have so many questions to ask him, you know God. I know one look at him and it would all make sense my life all the pieces would fit together perfectly.

For now it’s all a mystery. Sometimes when you live without dreams long enough you forget how to dream because before it had no point only to disappoint you. I was taught never to hate anyone; it takes to much time and energy. The person that taught me that forgot one thing, that sometimes when you can’t love a person all you can do is hate them