I AM SO ALONE!

And it's partly my fault because as the months go on I'm finding harder and harder to even trust my friends. Quite a sad truth, I must add. I've had someone that I admired for the motherly affection she's shown to everyone she meets and the way she's been a speaker for advice to me when I couldn't help myself and yeah, it might have been a one way street, but I tried my best to show her how much her help has meant to me.

And there it goes to bite me in the ass.

I often to speak before I think and that's my excuse.

But that doesn't make me selfish and my vanity is certainly not going to bring me pain when I've faced low self-esteem due to my past for nearly my entire life. Really, I can't count on my fingers how many times it was me doing the yelling at myself because I hated me. I'm not obsessed with my outer image. I do my make up when I get up in the morning, straighten my hair, all because I like the way I look when I'm finished and after I leave home that's about IT for me. Only once have I brought make up to school and I never used it. Okay, I used it once...

Still, I'm more obsessed with the person I am on the inside because I truly just want to be a good person and I don't want ANYONE to hate me. Its when someone gives me a snide comment, tells me I'm stupid when I'm being the joyful dork that I am, or when someone deletes me off their facebook after accusing me of being a person I've nEVER wanted to be, that I curl inside my shell because I can't handle the fear of someone's reaction when I finally OPEN up to them.

This friend then told me that she doesn't understand my constant and fierce complaints of loneliness. It's a really off day when I bluntly state that I feel like the loneliest person and the world and that I bluntly tell someone, "Guess what? I'm suffering from depression." Hell, it runs in my family and I'm not suicidal so I'm not worried about it. Still, it's been years since I've been a bitchy, whiny, complainer type of person. Because I don't want to BE that person. So how in the hell have I been fiercly complaining in the past five months when our friendship was starting to slowly fade away? Never, as far as I can remember.

Now, here's where it gets interesting. She says it's all MY FAULT THAT I CAN'T COMMIT TO A RELATIONSHIP! Ugh...well...I'm sixteen, why in the world should I commit to someone anyway? I've got my entire life to worry about before I throw my dreams and what makes me happy on the line for someone who I would probably end up leaving anyway?

Like the last guy I was dating...it was too late before he finally deicded to stop the manipulative, and guilt tripping act that he through at me when I left. It was too late for me and so why should I commit to a relationship that just didn't feel right?

I'm not like her...I don't NEED a man in my life to tell me constantly of nothing but sweet nothings. I'm a loner. I find peace in silence and being with myself so commitment is a trial anyway, unless that person completely understands my need for space. Sure, I also need to see my friends and get out their in society because I'm not a complete loner and I love my friends to death, they are my weakness. But a boyfriend, however, is not.

I'll be a bestfriend to someone before I'll be their girlfriend in any relationship, and I kind of hope for the same thing. I'm not physical either, nor am I very sexual. I like a mutual, emotional relationship and there is only one person that I've ever had that with and his name was PATRICK and guess what? HE'S GONE.

:(

I don't want to be a bad person...so why is she trying to make me out to be?