Dear Dorothy Judith Case...

As posted here.

Alright Deej, this needs to be said. I love you, and I'm sorry, but sometimes—and I'm sure you've noticed—you annoy the living Jesus out of me. That's why I am invisible to you on Facebook, that's why I haven't been so heartbroken while you've been away in New Orleans, and that's why I ignore all your calls.

You're funny and you're sweet, but a lot of the time you take those qualities way to far. To the point where you're frustrating and I have to physically and/or verbally react for you to get the message, and more often than not, you still don't get it! Don't you constantly hear when I complain about you getting too close? Don't you realize that sometimes you just need to get out of my face? And trust me, I try to keep my tolerance in check, but you know I have a short temper; still, you should know I'm not the only one that's taken notice of your issue, but I won't name any names.

Another thing, sometimes you get pretty attention whore-ish and I want to punch you in the face. Also, your "subtle" efforts of boosting your self-esteem get pretty old really fast. If we have anything to compliment you on, trust me, we'll do it; if we already have congratulated you on some abstract achievement, don't attempt to fish for anymore compliments because you're not going to get shit from me.

Your constant needy and clingy ways: UGH! With the amount of time we usually spend together, it's natural to experience some short periods of distance from time to time so we don't get sick of each other. For whatever reason, you haven't quite grasped that idea yet. Not to mention gas prices suck.

Also, there are times when our boyfriends do have priority over you and you'll figure that out when you get one, but until then, stop preying on John like he's your soulmate. I know that's hard for you to comprehend, but he and Molly are pretty much married and it is beyond rude of you to try to break that relationship up. Likewise, hearing your frequent complaints about how he acts different around you because of Molly is complete bullshit; he acts different because you make him uncomfortable and irate. It's not going to happen, do us all a favor and get over it.

To keep this short, I'll say this: you have the qualities of a great person, but nowadays, you suck. Sorry.

Love,
Sparky