Dinner tonight is inside out oreos with toaster pancakes, I'm eating at 11. I want a family. Not a 1/2 assed dysfunctional family, but a real, happy one. One that goes on family trips to lakes, one that has a working father, and a stay at home mom you can tell everything. With a sibling, a protective older brother, a reliable older sister, or a cute little brother, or a silly little sister.
But no... God forbid that I have a happy family. Even if there's a reason behind this, it hurts. Every great person I know put up with their own shitty childhood, not always shitty, just bothersome. What if I never become great though? What if I'm supposed to just be normal? I hate having all of this trapped. It's hell but it's so taboo. I know if I shut off my laptop and just slept I'd be okay in the morning, but I don't want these flares of grief. It's no longer just grief for my mom, but grief for a real family.
Then there's mom's family, they'll only accept me if I'm a certain way.... ultra Cristian. I sometimes think they expect me to be my mom, perfect. That always stings, I don't think they'll accept the true me, if it was anyone else, I wouldn't care, but they're part of my mom. I need them. I need someone just to tell me they care some days.... that never makes scene how I'm there for everyone, but I'm alone.
Sorry... I just need something out.
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