Sometimes

Sometimes I wonder how I appear to other people.
Like, legitimately appear.
Not just visually but through and through, personality and quirks included.
I'm not perfect by any means and I never try to be, but I still am on the constant struggle of trying to get as close to perfection as I can.
And by that I mean, I try to make a difference and I try to be the best me I can be.

But sometimes I wonder who that "me" even is.

Is it the "me" that always gets tongue-tied and flushed around that one boy who gives me the butterflies?
Is it the "me" that never wants to be vulnerable and always plays hard to get because ultimately, I don't want to get hurt?
Is it the "me" that sits around moping when someone else took that boy who gave me butterflies because I was too reserved and pushed him away?

Why did I push him away?

See, I could really care less about the boy in himself.
He's great, but there will be more down the road.
I just want to learn from this boy so as to not drive the next one away.

Sometimes, I think maybe I'm afraid to fall in love.

Sometimes, I wonder why.

Sometimes I think it's because I don't think I'm good enough.

Other times, I wonder...why? Why am I not good enough?

I look at other people. I size them up.

I'm just as nice as her.

I'm just as polite as her.

I try to be as well-rounded as her.

Maybe I'm not trying hard enough.

Or maybe I'm trying too hard.

Maybe I just need to let go of the wheel and let it turn in any which way it's supposed to.

But then if it turns out wrong, I'll never be able to say that I tried.

See the thing is, when I'm on my death bed many fateful years from now, I don't want to be alone.

I don't want to die alone.

I think that might be my biggest fear.

But at the same time, I don't think I should have to try too hard.

So I don't.

I let things come at me and I chose to face them or back down.

Easy come, easy go.

I don't know where I'm going or what I'm doing.

I don't know when this turned from wanting to write a journal entry to quoting Queen and pondering about love.

But I do know that ultimately, we all find that one true love in our life. And it's not always in a significant other.

I have so many things to love in my life. Family. Friends. School. Work. Belongings. Music. From animate to inaminate, to small and big, to seemingly significant or insignificant. I love what I have.

And I'm grateful for them all.

A lonely heart should never make you feel like you lead a lonely life.

Independence is key.

Freedom is liberating.