"i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)"

It's the beginning of my last week in Louisiana, visiting my dad. We got back from visiting my aunt in Galveston for the weekend this afternoon, and we celebrated my dad's birthday at my grandmom's house later in the day. After nightfall, my older brothers and I went out with two of their friends and saw Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World. Great day, right?

Well, it was a wonderful day- starting it with a lovely view of the bay and ending it with the sight of my brother Joe's smiling face. Is it selfish of me to wish for more?

You see...besides tonight and my second night visiting, I never see my brothers. Not Joe, at least. I still see Jarad because he lives with my dad. But Joseph... He's like my twin. He's my inspiration. And it's like some unknown force understands how much he means to me and therefore tries to keep him away.

I can't even really say I shared much of a childhood with my brothers. Most of the time we were half the country away from each other. And the fact that we can never have a do-over, the fact that they'll only ever make brief appearances in my life, makes me want to cry. All of these thoughts flash through my head as we walk out of the movie theatre and Joe smiles back at me, and I just want to grab him and Jarad and hold them tight, never letting go.

I try to savor each moment I have with them, try to tattoo our time together into my memory. I love them so much, but they're like birds that have to fly away- they may return, but they'll never stay.

Sometimes I hate my parents for getting divorced. Maybe I'd have a normal relationship with my brothers. Maybe I'd be more outgoing, normal, have a life. Who knows how I would have turned out if I'd grown up with a family, in our own house. But I share a room with my mom at my aunt's house in New Jersey, my brothers are thousands of miles away from me, and I'm shy and timid and daydream way too much for my own good.

I'll be honest and say I'm not really happy with the way my life has turned out, so far. But I suppose I'll just have to find a way to be happy with what I've been given. I can watch home movies of the good days as many times as I want, but it won't magically fix what's been broken. As much as I may miss my brothers, at least they know that I love them and they love me.

We may be miles apart, but we carry each other's hearts.