Yeah so I am alive. How about that! Hehehe. So yeah, if you haven't noticed or whatever, I've been dead on Mibba for quite some time. Truth is, my life got hetic and I got really----well, I got mixed up and I got turned around for a bit and I don't know, I guess things just changed. So here are some stuff that has happened during the time I was away:
1. I developed an eating disorder. Yeah, not exactly cheerful news, but I did. I got bulimia and it's not fun in the slightest. I've always had a very, very, very poor self esstem problem and it has been that way since I was little, very little. In fact, it's sad for me because I literally don't remember a time where I wasn't disgusted by my outward appearance. People always think, "Oh, I'm not pretty at all!" and they're humble about it, but they probably do think that some parts of them are attractive, like most normal people do think. Yeah well, I don't. When I look in the mirror, I cringe to death. I hate the way I look---and you guys I don't hate the word "hate" unless I critically mean it. I hate my appearance. I was so sick of so much pressure and girls around me seemed to think that an eating disorder was okay, that it "happened to everyone", so I began to starve myself, make myself vomit, etc, etc. I have a history of destructive beheavior, what with cutting myself, burning myself and so this was really hard for me to handle. I stayed at the hopsital for a few days, I talked to therapists or whatever, but it's still incredibly hard for me. I have to look at it as something day to day. It's still raw to me, of course, but it doesn't feel so lonely anymore. I met other girls who are going through the same stuff and it's rough but comforting all at the same time.
I'm okay, at least I will be. I have faith for things to turn out better.
2. Freshman year really and truly sucked for me. I hated it. I was fine with my classes, fine with my friends, but emotionally I was not fine. I've had depression ever since I could remember and just due to my low self esstem, I had a tough time feeling important. As you guys know, social aspects of high school are key things and I am socialable and I do have many many friends, but no matter how many people I surrounded myself with, I still felt utterly and completely alone. I'm sure some of you have expereniced that, but it's honestly the worst emotion in the world. I want sophmore year to be better and I hope it will be, but it's tough.
So that's what I wanted to share with you all. There have been good stuff too, trust me, but I wanted to fill you on the bad stuff so you knewexactly why I was "dead" on here. I don't think I will contuine to write on here anymore, but rather talk to you guys and just keep in contact with you guys because I still love you guys dearly. That's my choice, but I'll still be blogging on my tumblr (go to my page for the link) and my jonas brothers achrive (also a link on my page), so I'm still around the interwebz.
I love you guys, thanks for always being there for me through it all.
<3 :]
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