This is What You Want

My name is Veronika.
No, that's a lie. My name is Veronica and I am in love.
Which sounds just as stupid in writing as it does when I say it to myself. Myself only, because I'm too scared to say it to the boy in person.
I don't think I've ever honestly believed in real love. I'm seventeen though so, what do I honestly know about the subject.
Nothing. Nothing. Nothing.
When I was thirteen, I convinced myself I was in love. I lied so much to myself that I actually believed it. By the age of fifteen I was convinced I could spend the rest of my life with this one boy. At the time though, I could still harbour feelings for other people. As much as he told me he loved me, he could do the same. Only he was more intimate with his attractions than I had ever been. Still, he said it. And I replied with the same.
When you realize you don't really love the person you thought you did, you'll do anything you can to convince the other person you are in love with them. Anything. But when you reach the point where you begin to consider abandoning your beliefs and morals, you've reached the end. When you realize that each red mark is a sign of control and not love, it's past the limit. And when you realize it's just something they want you to believe it is a lie.
"I love you, Cesar."
Saying that I even thought that about him makes me sick to my stomach now. But that is not my point.
My point is, when something like that no longer means what it should to you; what do you say whenyou honestly feel it?
The boy I love now has a different name. Different motives. There are no similarities between him and the lie I lived two years before now. And in honesty, this boy has been the one that's hindered me from even considering falling for any other boy. But him.
So when I've finally heard him say it, I'm too afraid to believe it means anything. Now I know he does mean it, and I am scared to death of saying it back.
It's horrible, because I've waited to tell him how I feel, and how I have felt for so long. Now the time is here and I can hardly manage to murmur it back in response.
My past has it's demons. The experience I went through with Cesar is one of them. Because something that was supposed to be beautiful, a connection that was supposed to be deep and hold so much meaning; meant nothing.
But I love Victor. And for the first time, I honestly mean it. And I know he does too.
I want to be less afraid of taking chances with him. Less afraid that he could lie. Less afraid he could cheat. Less afraid he could hurt me. Less afraid he would turn into my past all over again.
So this I suppose is why love is complex. Because when the words finally have a meaning, that's it.
So consider me a coward. I am. But now that I've come to terms with what has held me from being happy, I think I deserve some meaning.
This is what I wanted. I honestly love someone. I can no longer be afraid.