Fat

There is only one thing that I can be called that will actually register and bother me.

Fat. What a horrible word that only comes from the mouth of terrible people. I’ve been big my whole life. I’ve also always been tall, so I was a spectacle. But, oh no, I was fat, that was the only thing there was to describe me, so that’s what people did.

“Going to get Ginny to eat you.”

“Watch out she’ll sit on you.”

“Thank you for not eating me.”

“You’re an elephant.”

“Whale. Walrus. Pig. Fatass.”

So many cruel things have been hurled at me my whole life and it still resonates to this day. I had to deal with it for years. Kindergarten until eighth grade.

The summer leading up from 8th grade was when I decided to make a change. I went through hell to lose eighty pounds. No, I’m not skinny now and I’m not the ideal weight from my age and height but I’m by no means fat, not anymore. So why is it that I still get called it, why is my life back to that.

It hurts, it sucks and it makes me want to cry on spot when I hear it.

I worked so hard to get where I am today, I did everything the wrong way. I was bulimic. I was anorexic. I took laxative. I tell all of my friends about it. Not because I’m proud, but because I’m terrified I’m going to go back to that.

I love school, I love my friends, I’m well known. I love my life. It’s not like I’m some kid that always gets picked on, well not anymore, when I went to high school everything in my life did a 180

I have been in school for senior year for one week, and have already been called fat by two people. I’ve felt like shit and horrible through it all.

It’s not like these people know my past. One just knows me and the other knew me when I was fat. I can’t wrap my head around why I still get called fat. I thought I was through that part of my life.

The only thing I’ve wanted to do this week is tie my hair up in a ponytail and shove my finger down my throat, that’s how much it affects me, that’s how much it legitly hurts to have to relive terrible years. I know kids are cruel but these aren’t kids, these are people my age.
I have a friend that I haven’t seen in a while that told me I have lost weight and god it made me feel fantastic I wanted to hug her and just start crying.

It’s amazing how just this has been on my mind for this long. I just stand in the mirror sometimes and wonder if people see what I see? I think I’m beautiful. I think I’m an okay weight. Is it just me? If I really gross people out enough for them to feel the need to call me fat should I start trying to lose weight again? maybe going from 250 to 180 in one summer wasn't enough. 180 isn't skinny but i'm six feet tall, so it looks healthy.

I just don’t understand it. I’m pretty tough, I have been called everything, and because that’s the sense of humor and attitude I have. People can joke around with me because I can take a joke, but as soon as the word fat or big or relating me to a large animal is involved, you got me. The people who said this to me recently however, were not doing it in a joking manner.

Maybe that’s why it got to me, because they were serious.

Maybe I just need to grow up. Who knows?
August 22nd, 2010 at 09:04pm