August the twenty third of two thousand ten

I look at myself in the mirror
I look away but I realize I have to within stand the pain to cover the blemishes with concealer
I put on clothes
I smile thinking how better I used to look,
but I frown at what my body looks like
My butt is as wide as a tire
My thighs scream thunder
My stomach pooches out
My boobs look small
I look away
Ashamed
And promising myself that I can always skip a meal, because I know I'll have another one later

I miss my sister. She's left for the Ramp, and this house gets too quiet, but not quiet enough. The fridge is always calling my name, but my pants are getting looser. I look at all my friends at school, and all of them but two, maybe three, are smaller than me. I can't stand when I feel confident, knowing my mind is only tricking me.

Mind, look at your sisters. They're beautiful. Cheerleaders, and you've never cheered in your entire life. Top 5 in their class, and you dropped an AP class. They're neat, and you're the messiest pig alive. They make money, and you sit at home and watch Glee.

I only feel better when I think of my babies that I'll have one day. They'll be beautiful, hopefully only having a few of my traits.

Mind, look at your cousin. Whose only 85 days younger than you, weighs fifty pounds under you. She's almost as tall as you. She wears cute clothes, and you're so fat you have to wear t-shirts and blue jeans to hide your weight. Your cellulite thighs. Your cottage cheese butt. You haven't felt confident in a bikini in your entire life. Your nose is shiny and big. Your teeth have lost their beauty. Your hair looks like shit and needs to be cut and dyed.

You lose.

Mind, there's no hope but to start at losing weight before Prom. Prom is the only way to prove yourself.