Just some things I figured out while watching Shutter Island with my best friend.
1. If it looks like a zombie, walks like a zombie, and moans like a zombie, then holy hell it’s a zombie.
2. When people say that the house on the hill is haunted, listen to them.
3. If you see signs that say things like ‘turn back’ or ‘go no further’, listen to them.
4. Whenever there is a telephone in the place, congratulations. It’s going to go out in 3…2…1…
5. The safest place to go is nearly always the least safe place.
6. The hot hiker girl always dies first.
7. If you think the car’s going to work, then the carburetor/alternator/various other important car part is blown/busted/out of fluid.
8. If you even think the lock’s going to hold, it’s guaranteed to break within the next ten to twenty minutes.
9. Six words guarantee certain death: “What’s the worst that could happen?”
10. The worst thing that could happen is usually about thirty times worse than we originally think it to be.
11. If there is more than one girl in the group trying to stop the mummy/ancient society/vampires, then the mummy/ancient society/vampires always take the prettier of the two for the virgin sacrifice.
12. If it involves a mummy, then the hot chick is guaranteed to get kidnapped.
13. Once the magnetic letters on your refrigerator start rearranging themselves to say things involving death and murder, you should start getting the hell out of dodge.
14. If the house is haunted, taking flashlights and pizza are the two stupidest things you could possibly bring.
15. Don’t you know? Electrical power has no effect in horror movies.
16. The shotgun will always run out of ammo long before the monster is dead.
17. So that new guy at school is really cute, you say? Well, that means he’s not just evil. He’s their king.
18. If the government has it contained/under control, then it’s definitely going to infect the general population within the next few days.
19. When people think it isn’t contagious, it nearly always is.
20. If it drools, growls, stumbles often, or walks on all fours, for God’s sakes don’t let it bite you.
21. Touching the big, shiny jewel in the foreign country is possibly the dumbest thing you’ll do all day.
22. Oh, you’re going to be all right, hm? Happily ever after? Guess what? There’s going to be a sequel.
23. And when there’s a sequel, you’re nearly always in deeper doo-doo than you were before.
24. In sequels, the hot guy always dies at the end.
25. Also in sequels, the stuff that worked the first time has absolutely no effect the second time.
26. The butler is either on your side, or he’s the bad thing’s right hand man.
27. If the car stalls in the middle of the road during a rainstorm, congratulations. You’re the hour d’oeuvres.
28. If you think you’re getting out by morning, you’re going to be among the first to die.
29. Don’t let him/her kiss you. That only makes you more of a sitting duck.
30. You’re never just seeing things.
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