Mom..

Dear Mom,

I don't know what to say or think anymore. I feel like you were never here. I was young when you died and I don't remember a lot. I feel so far away, and lost without you. I know you're shaking your head to the choices I'm making. I only remember certain things about you. I remember mostly you being sick which kills me. I also remember the night you died vividly and they will never fade. I just know you have a big heart and you loved Katie and I dearly. I've held all these emotions in for two long. No one knows how hard it is for me. You're not here when I need you most. You'll never see my boyfriends or my girlfriends, you'll never see me graduate, You'll never see my get married, you'll never see my kids. Our family is falling apart. Katie drinks the pain away and I just smoke till I can't remember my name. Dad's falling apart. He's still seeing my step mom Cathy, even after her moving out and all the fights and shit that happened. I hate to see dad like this too. He's so out of it I know he loves Katie and I but we all know he's slowly killing himself and everyday seeing him like that is eating me up inside. It also hurts me deeply when I see my friends with their mom's. I don't remember having you around. I don't like to talk about you because I start shaking and crying. I'm a horrible person too because I don't think of you enough, and i'm even worse of a person for not remembering you. It hurts to think of you, I think i'm just trying to block out everything about you because I can't think of happy things. Since the day you died i've been sick with guilt. What's worse is I blamed you for dying, I blamed you for getting cancer. It's not your fault. Then as I got older and as more family members entered my life I started blaming myself. I feel like something bad is going to happen soon. I just need a break in life. I'm only 14 and I feel like i'm losing my mind. Mom, I love you and you'll always be in my heart.

Love Alexis.

"Sometimes it's hard to say the right thing
The right way on the hardest day of your life
Breathe in, breathe out, it'll be okay
Breathe in, breathe out, I know it's hard to say

And every year November gets closer
And every year it gets a little bit colder
Breathe in, breathe out, it'll be okay
Be strong, hold on, make it through the day

One step at a time
One foot in front of the other
I'm gonna get through this one way or another
Cause I know it's warmer where you are
Cause no matter how far the view
I still always look up to you

Sometimes it takes a second to sink in
That your life is never gonna be the same again
Breathe in, breathe out, it'll be okay
Breathe in, they say the pain will fade away

And every year November gets closer
And every year it gets a little bit colder
Breathe in, breathe out, it'll be okay
Be strong, hold on, make it through the day

One step at a time
One foot in front of the other
I'm gonna get through this one way or another
Cause I know it's warmer where you are
Cause no matter how far the view
I still always look up to you

I'll never forget the day my heart fell from my chest
It was the moment that I said goodbye
And I laid your body to rest
I'll never take this life for granted
I'm living it for two
And since you're always the one who sang the songs
And I'll be singing this one for you

One step at a time
One foot in front of the other
I'm gonna get through this one way or another
Cause I know it's warmer where you are
Cause no matter how far the view
I still always look up to you
I'll always look up to you "

-Four years strong.