I have a ridiculously huge fascination with mental disorders.

Everything about mental disorder and psychology in general just amazes me. The fact that the human brain can cause people to be so different, so screwed up at times and so out of control just blows my mind.

When I was about sixteen I started researching different disorders. At first it was due to my hypochondria and I was searching different symptoms I was feeling and learning about different diseases. Although it was feeding my anxiety, I was still interested in all I was learning. It gradually turned from physical diseases I was researching to mental disorders. Eating disorders, anxiety disorders, learning disabilities and personality disorders. I'd search A-Z mental disorders and read for hours and hours about it.

Sometimes I find myself subconsciously diagnosing people around me. I know obviously that I'm no doctor and I probably don't know what I'm talking about half the time but sometimes I am confident in what I'm thinking. The funny thing is, I have about 0% confidence in myself. I'm not confident in the way I look, how my personality is, who I am as a person and how my life is going. I don't think I'm smart, I don't think I have any excelling talents and I don't think I have a distinct purpose in life. I am not independent in the least and I'm not confident that I ever could be. But when I get to know someone and something is clearly not right in their mind, I am confident that I could probably figure out what's wrong with them.

Take this story for example. Today my mom and her ex-boyfriend were talking on MSN. Her boyfriend was telling her how he thought he was losing his mind and kept asking her if she really loved him. Him and my mom have been dating for about a year and a half. When they met everything was great. He was an awesome guy and my brothers and I weren't at all uncomfortable around him in the least. He was automatically a part of the family. Gradually he started to change though. He was texting her every during work and called her every single break he got. If she didn't answer the phone he automatically assumed she was out sleeping around and would be angry at her for the rest of the day. He started getting stressed out about his family. He would complain about how they judged him all the time and how they were judging his relationship with my mom as well.

When him and my mom would talk, he would pick apart her sentences trying his best to read between the lines. When she would give him a big paragraph, he would take about five minutes to respond and then would take one sentence out of it and question her about it. He would ask her things like, "What are your intentions in this relationship?" or "Do you really love me?" or "I feel like your heart isn't into like mine is." My mom stopped going out places with her friends, stopped going out places in general so she could either sit by the phone and wait for his call or actually, physically be with him. She devoted her life to making sure he felt loved. He was never reassured.

They broke up and got back together many times in the year and a half but about three weeks ago they really did break up. So this morning when he said he felt like he was loosing his mind my brain automatically started trying to diagnose him with something. I was on google and I tried to think of which disorder I thought he might have. The first word that came to my mind in regards to him was paranoid so I searched Paranoid Personality Disorder. Here's the symptoms that came up.

Suspects, without sufficient basis, that others are exploiting, harming, or deceiving him or her.
Is preoccupied with unjustified doubts about the loyalty or trustworthiness of friends or associates.
Is reluctant to confide in others because of unwarranted fear that the information will be used maliciously against him or her.
Reads hidden demeaning or threatening meanings into benign remarks or events
persistently bears grudges, i.e., is unforgiving of insults, injuries, or slights.
Perceives attacks on his or her character or reputation that are not apparent to others and is quick to react angrily or to counterattack.
Has recurrent suspicions, without justification, regarding fidelity of spouse or sexual partner.

He has literally done, went through or thought every single one of those symptoms. I mean that truthfully. There isn't a symptom there that doesn't describe him perfectly. I read the symptoms out loud to my mom and all she could say was, "Oh my God. That's him. That is who he is." She said the realization of it sent chills throughout her body. So my mom sent him the site and asked what he thought about it. He said, "F*ck me, how did this happen?" He agreed that it sounded like him and everyone who knows him would agree with it.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that the only time I feel confident in myself or anything to do with me is when I think I've figured out what's wrong with someone. I'm in no way saying I'm right about it, although I do think I am, but I wouldn't ever argue that I was 100% right. I'm not a doctor and I haven't gone to school for it. But the fact that I read those symptoms and thought This is Gary every time I read a new symptom really makes me sure it's what he has.

He said he was going to seek some help and I'm excited for that to happen. He was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder a while back and I'm anxious to see if his new psychologist will stick to that diagnoses or if they'll end up telling him that he does in fact have Paranoid Personality Disorder. I would really make me feel good about myself if I ended up being right about it.

For the record, he's hurt my mom countless times and has been a horrible person to her. But I do hope he gets better from whatever it is that's wrong with him.